The
single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.
--George Bernard Shaw
As a coach, one of the skills
people come to me for is mastering communication and persuasion. Whether it is
executives, team leaders, salespeople, negotiators, teachers, and, yes,
parents, no matter how successful they have been in the past, there is always
someone with whom they need to communicate that is handing them an opportunity
for increased skill.
“Hey, I am using English. My
sentences are clear, concise, and coherent. Why are they not
hearing/buying/getting/understanding me: there has to be something wrong with them.”
My son just won’t listen. Numbskull.
She refuses to buy my product. Dingbat.
No one is really changing, being
transformed. Hard-hearted.
My students just aren’t getting it.
Fools.
My team is in chaos because they
won’t follow my instructions. Up their
meds!
Yo, yo, yo… hold on there!
If the point of my communication—the
outcome I intend—is not being realized, what does it say about me when I
persist in maintaining the same communication strategy? When I keep saying the
same thing in the same manner, doesn’t it stand to reason I am going to keep
getting the same results?
Moreover, if I am not getting the
outcomes I want, how does it help me to attain them by making it your fault? As soon as I make it about
you, I am stuck. “ I have been clear. You just aren’t listening. This conversation
is over. The end.” If, however, I maintain a mindset of “the meaning of my
communication is the response I am getting,” (what these people are hearing me
say is what I am communicating) the conversation remains open,
possibilities still abound, and I am free to keep exploring other avenues for
arriving at my desired destination. Unless, that is, if my outcome is to hear
myself speak, to feel better about myself, to deliver my soul regardless of
whether or not you have a clue as to what I am talking about. But really: Is
that the point or is the point to truly move my son’s heart, to sell this woman
my product, to see people transformed, to actually educate my students, or for my
team to rally around the flag?
Most people only pay attention to
what they are intending to communicate, not to what the other person is
actually hearing. You focus on content, word choices, structure, and, if you
are better than the average speaker, choreography: all very important
considerations, of course. However, there is one consideration that, if left
out of the process, will negate all the above.
Think about this:
I don’t speak, English. I speak
Monte. You speak Skippy. If you want to communicate with me -- if there is an
outcome to your communication with me that is important to you -- then you had better
start learning to speak Monte.
Copyright, Monte E Wilson, 2013
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