Talking Heads

Read the script, cite chapter and verse, be right, make him/her wrong, keep to the Talking Points, and hold to the Company Line—challenging all deviations. Of course, your opposing Talking Heads have different chapters, different verses, different scripts, different metaphors, claiming the authority of differing author-ities.

Talking Heads Talking at Talking Heads: all of them forgetting the heart, the soul.

“I know.”

“No, I know.”

“I have logic.”

“So do I.”

“I have heard from God.”

“Me too … He says to tell you that you are wrong.”

“My heart/conscience is telling me…”

“Mine is telling me the opposite…”

“Well, you have an agenda.”

“And you don’t?”

Too many words

Not enough listening

Monologues rather than dialogues

Commands rather than conversations

“Choose Your Weapons.”

“Words at twenty paces!”

The man with the Most Words wins

The woman with the Best Looking Head wins

The person with the Biggest Head wins

But … wins what? He certainly doesn’t win over a “whom,” so what was the point of it all? And what if my Head is wrong? How will I ever be corrected, grow in knowledge and wisdom, if I do not consider and reflect upon what others have said … if I do not stop talking and truly and empathetically listen?

Copyright, Monte E Wilson, 2099

The Power of Your Words

It was his (Merlin’s) voice that fascinated me. Infinitely expressive, it served him in any manner he wished. When he lashed, it could raise welts on a stone. When he soothed, it could have shamed nightingales into silence. And when he commanded, mountains and valleys exchanged places. -- Stephen R. Lawhead, Arthur

Words matter What you say, how you say it, when you say it, and where always matters. Every time you speak, each time you choose to remain silent (and silence is communicating), you are creating realities, altering mindsets and attitudes, and propelling yourself and others toward specific outcomes.

Words change things The words you choose to describe and define your present circumstances are moving those circumstances in a certain direction. Are your words creating more and more possibilities or are they restricting your ability to change and enhance your circumstances?

Words change you Listen to your inner unspoken dialogue with yourself. Are you reminding yourself of who you intend to become, or is your self-talk creating an individual altogether different from whom you wish to become? Are you thinking word-thoughts of faith, hope, and love toward others, or word-thoughts of disbelief, cynicism and hatred? Think of this inner dialogue as an incantation by which you are casting a spell over your soul. Will it help create the self you intend to become, or is it twisting you into someone else?

Words change them You can choose to speak justly and truly, or shade and shape your words to serve only your own hidden agenda. You can offer words of wisdom and hope, or you can speak words that debilitate and denigrate. Ultimately, your words flow from your beliefs about yourself and others. Do you believe the best or the worst? As you are choosing your words, remember this: they are creating your legend and your legacy.

Words evoke The words you choose to speak evoke feelings and ideas in your listeners. What do you intend for them to feel? In other words, what psychological states are conducive to your achieving your outcomes? What word choices will serve you here? What words will help evoke the ideas that will serve both you and your audience’s goals for this particular engagement?

Words provoke You can speak words that provoke your audience to love and good deeds, or you can choose words that provoke them to frustration and feelings of hopelessness. Of course, you can also choose words that put them to sleep, but I do not recommend this as a useful tact for guiding your audience toward your intended outcomes!

Words have a melody Listen to the conversations taking place around you today. Each person’s words have a peculiar melody. Some “melodies” are monotone, others utilize a few notes, and others create melodies and harmonies that intrigue, fascinate and please their listeners. What melody accompanies your words, and is it supporting the intention of your communication?

Words expose and reveal Your words expose and reveal your heart and mind. Sooner or later, your words will be congruent with what you truly feel and think. Are your words congruent with your professed vision and Code, or do they reveal incongruence?  If your words reveal an incongruity, you have two choices: change your vision and Code, or change your heart and mind. 

Words are the stuff dreams are made of Your words and dreams have a symbiotic relationship: they feed off of each other. Are your words filling your dreams with more content and clarity, infusing them with increased power, or do your words weaken your faith and hope? Do you speak as a dream-weaver or do your words elicit nightmares? Do your words move your world closer to the dream of truth and goodness, liberty and justice, love and compassion … or do they move us in the opposite direction?

From my book, Legendary Leadership: Chapter 4, Legendary Leaders Are Legendary Communicators

Copyright, Monte E Wilson, 2009 

They Are Always Communicating

The most important thing in communication is hearing what isn't said.  –Peter Drucker

Just as everything about you is always communicating, so too is your audience (be it one person or ten) always communicating with you—even when they are not saying a word.

We all are aware of this reality. Maybe you have perceived that, while an individual was speaking cheerfully, their demeanor was rigid and fearful. Or what about the time you were speaking with someone whose eyes were glued to yours as if she were hanging on every word, but you intuited that her mind had wondered off? There was something about her giving you important information--information that you will want to utilize.

It is difficult, if not down right impossible, to pay attention to what my audience is communicating if I am inside my own head, concentrating solely on my what I am communicating. Some of the most authentic people I know are so focused on speaking the truest sentence possible that they are oblivious to all the non-verbal communication that is going on around them. These people are not communicating. They may be speechifying, talking, or bearing their souls, but communication takes place between two or more people. If I am not paying attention to your verbal and non-verbal communication, and responding accordingly, then I am not listening to you. If I am not “listening,” we are not communicating.

Whenever I look at my notes, I am taking my attention away from the people with whom I am communicating. 

When I chose to ignore the fact that people are nodding off, reading a book, glaring at me with fire in their eyes, shoulders are heaving with silent tears, have a blank stare, or are fidgeting with car keys, I have ceased communicating.

When I am thinking about what I am going to say next, once you shut up, we are not communicating.

Don’t get stuck on only thinking and feeling your own thoughts and feelings, but continually reach inside the hearts and minds of your audience, and feel how he/she/they are experiencing and hearing you, and ask yourself: is this what I am intending? Is that going to move me closer to my intended outcome?

Pay attention to what your audience is telling you. What are they responding to and what are they missing or ignoring? What are their postures, breathing patterns, and eyes (the window to their souls) communicating? What is his silence or her skipping over major points of your communication while responding to you, communicating? Are they listening to you, or are they still thinking about a point you made five-minutes ago? Does your audience understand what you are saying, or are they “hearing” something you are not intending to communicate?

Calibrate: constantly be aware of what your audience is communicating, determining whether or not they are moving along in the direction you intend, and then adjust your communication strategy accordingly. Unless you are only interested in getting it off your chest, giving me a piece of your mind, spitting out your spiel, or chastising me for being stupid, insensitive, foolish, hard headed, myopic, a heretic, blind to what’s good for me, or whatever else that got in the way of you attaining the goal of your communication. If that’s the case, you just go ahead and deliver your data and emote all you want. I’ll be over here reading Sports Illustrated.

Copyright, Monte E Wilson, 2013

You Are Always Communicating

Everything about you is constantly communicating. (WARNING: Long sentence ahead!) Putting aside the actual words and content of your speaking, consider that your level of energy, your psychological state, where your head is (in the moment, in the past, in the future), your clothes and how you wear them, your hair, your facial expressions, your eyes, your gestures, your posture, your lips, your breathing patterns, your tone of voice, the pace of your speaking, and the volume of your speech, all these things and more, are constantly sending out bits of information about you that people either consciously or subconsciously are “hearing,” interpreting, and evaluating. (Okay. Take a breath.) Given this reality, ask yourself this: Is all this data supporting what I am actually verbalizing and moving me toward achieving the goal of my communication, or is it detracting from or, worse, contradicting what I am saying?

When I use the word “excited,” does my energy, tone of voice, and body language, communicate this excitement or do they communicate boredom?

When I tell people how deeply I honor and respect them, with the utmost sincerity, while being slouched over in a chair, staring off into space, and my fingers tapping to the beat of the music in the background, are my words going to communicate my “utmost”?

With eyes squinting, lips pursed, and arms folded across your chest, you then say, “Yes, I would love to do this for you,” what is it I will “hear” you communicating?

Imagine an important conversation you have recently engaged in. It can be with your spouse, a child, a coworker, a client, anyone. In your mind’s eye imagine you are watching a video of this event. Place your intended outcome right in front of your eyes. Now. Replay the video with the sound turned off. Notice the gestures, the nervous tics, your expressions, the energy you are demonstrating, your posture, your breathing, your eyes, your hands, your feet—notice everything. Knowing what it was you were seeking to communicate did your non-verbal communication support or did it detract from your outcome?

Replay the video, only this time turn the sound up. Listen to the melody of your voice and your breathing patterns. Pay attention to your word choices, the general outline of your presentation/conversation, and to whether or not the energy and tone of your words communicated your truest feelings regarding your topic. Where do you see the highest degree of congruency between these things and the goal of your communication? Are there any incongruence’s that detracted from your intended outcome?

The more congruent we are in our communication, where our psychological states, posture, clothes, eyes, and everything else about us that is communicating, aligns with the words we are using, the message we are seeking to convey, and the outcome we intend to realize, the more effective we will be as communicators. When it comes to communication and persuasion, congruency is power.

Copyright, Monte E Wilson, 2013

The Meaning of Your Communication

Blogging in Switzerland 

It does not matter what you thought you said or what the intention of your communication was: what matters is what your audience thinks you said and, subsequently, what they will be responding or reacting to.  --Monte III

If you intend to be a more effective communicator, then you will want to take responsibility for the effects of your communication. If someone doesn’t “get it,” then you take responsibility for this. If they become angry or hurt and such was not your intention, you still should take the tack that you elicited this response. It was not what you were going after but there was something in your demeanor, your language, or your energy that caused this person to respond as he did. Who knows: maybe you reminded him of an ex-spouse or an abusive parent.  

Taking responsibility for the responses you get from other people gives you an incredible degree of flexibility and power. If it is always them, if it is always their fault or their choice, then you will maintain your present strategy for communicating—and you will get nowhere. If you sense that you are not moving in the direction of your outcome then change directions.

If the potential customer is “resisting” your sales pitch, it is you that must change strategies.

If a client is suspicious of your motives, then you are either eliciting this suspicion or you have as yet to discover a communication strategy for inspiring trust.

If she doesn’t feel loved, he doesn’t feel you care for him, or they don’t feel respected, and you intended just the opposite, own this as what you communicated and seek out other strategies for expressing your mind and heart.

Repeat after me: “It is never them … it is always me.”

When I suggest taking responsibility, I am not speaking of moral failure, here. You didn’t do anything “wrong.” You did something that took you in a direction you didn’t intend. Own it and the possibility for attaining your outcomes remains.

I am not suggesting that there isn’t someplace down the road where the responsibility comes to rest upon the other person. However—h-o-w-e-v-e-r—as long as you take responsibility, you maintain a place of power, choice, and for attaining your outcome. As soon as you say to yourself, “It is them—it is their stupidity, foolishness, bad attitude, closed mindedness, thin skin, or unbelief”—the odds of your attaining the intended outcome are miniscule. How long do you take responsibility, while continuing to seek after your outcome? It depends on how important your outcome is to you.

Copyright, Monte E Wilson, 2013 

Learning To Speak A New Language In Ten Days!

My DNA, upbringing, education, life experiences, mindset, personality, fears, hopes, beliefs, values, present state of mind, and many, many other things, act as filters through which incoming information flows. So. When you say, “I TOLD you what I believed/ thought/felt. You just didn’t listen, did you?” I ask, "Really? Was that the problem?"

The old saying, “I say what I mean and mean what I say,” is good, as far as it goes. The problem is that it doesn’t go far enough, because I define and experience the words you are using differently than you are intending. If you want to communicate with me, then I suggest that you discover how I am defining and experiencing the words you are using and, either use different words, or let me know what you mean by them. But this is only the beginning of learning to speak my language.

We are not only communicating with the spoken word but with how the words are being spoken, and with the behaviors that are accompanying our words.

Paying Attention People are constantly giving us “tells” as to how they wish to be communicated with by how they communicate with us. Whether it is being romantic with our lover, caring for a friend, teaching a child, or making a sales pitch, we can expand our fluency and effectiveness by paying attention to the individual’s preferred method and style of communication: his tone of voice, posture, level of energy, breathing patterns, discovering if he wants to see things (visual), hear things (auditory), or feel things (kinesthetic), and everything else about him that is “communicating.” The closer my style of communicating mirrors his style, the more effective I will be.

Practice Once I begin noticing how he wishes to be communicated with, I need to start practicing this new way of communicating with him. At first it may not feel authentic because it is not “spontaneous,” but the more I practice the more it will become a habit of mind for me with this person. And if I think, “Well, I am just not that way,” I need to counter this thought with, “How important is the outcome of my communication to me, here?” If I want and need to be “heard,” then I will begin studying this person’s unique “language” by discovering his “tells,” and then incorporating them into my communication strategy.

Maybe you have never thought of communication in quite this way. However, you have intuited its wisdom. Parents know that each of their children must be communicated with just so. When you design a pitch for a project you want to undertake, you ditch the PowerPoint “Because the boss doesn’t like them,” you start out with the big picture rather than details, because “vision” is his brain’s default position, and etc. With each individual we wish to communicate, we somehow know there are a few adjustments to be made in how we go about getting our message across. What I am suggesting here is that you take what, up until now, has largely been a subconscious practice, and make it conscious so you can hone your linguistic skills. Believe me Skippy, if you pay attention, you can be speaking fairly fluent Monte in 10 days or less! 

Copyright, Monte E Wilson, 2013

What Language Are You Speaking?

The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place. --George Bernard Shaw

As a coach, one of the skills people come to me for is mastering communication and persuasion. Whether it is executives, team leaders, salespeople, negotiators, teachers, and, yes, parents, no matter how successful they have been in the past, there is always someone with whom they need to communicate that is handing them an opportunity for increased skill.

“Hey, I am using English. My sentences are clear, concise, and coherent. Why are they not hearing/buying/getting/understanding me: there has to be something wrong with them.”

My son just won’t listen. Numbskull.

She refuses to buy my product. Dingbat.

No one is really changing, being transformed. Hard-hearted.

My students just aren’t getting it. Fools.

My team is in chaos because they won’t follow my instructions. Up their meds!

Yo, yo, yo… hold on there!

If the point of my communication—the outcome I intend—is not being realized, what does it say about me when I persist in maintaining the same communication strategy? When I keep saying the same thing in the same manner, doesn’t it stand to reason I am going to keep getting the same results?

Moreover, if I am not getting the outcomes I want, how does it help me to attain them by making it your fault? As soon as I make it about you, I am stuck. “ I have been clear. You just aren’t listening. This conversation is over. The end.” If, however, I maintain a mindset of “the meaning of my communication is the response I am getting,” (what these people are hearing me say is what I am communicating) the conversation remains open, possibilities still abound, and I am free to keep exploring other avenues for arriving at my desired destination. Unless, that is, if my outcome is to hear myself speak, to feel better about myself, to deliver my soul regardless of whether or not you have a clue as to what I am talking about. But really: Is that the point or is the point to truly move my son’s heart, to sell this woman my product, to see people transformed, to actually educate my students, or for my team to rally around the flag?

Most people only pay attention to what they are intending to communicate, not to what the other person is actually hearing. You focus on content, word choices, structure, and, if you are better than the average speaker, choreography: all very important considerations, of course. However, there is one consideration that, if left out of the process, will negate all the above.

Think about this:

I don’t speak, English. I speak Monte. You speak Skippy. If you want to communicate with me -- if there is an outcome to your communication with me that is important to you -- then you had better start learning to speak Monte.

Copyright, Monte E Wilson, 2013