The Loudest Lie

We lie the loudest when we lie to ourselves.  Eric Hoffer

Machiavelli said, “For a long time I have not said what I believed, nor do I ever believe what I say, and if indeed sometimes I do happen to tell the truth, I hide it among so many lies that it is hard to find.”

“O, my,” you say. “Wilson … he has got to be the patron saint of modern politicians-journalists-media-_______(fill in the bank with your favorite villain)!”

Question. Which is the greater evil: Is it the fact that so many of our politicians, journalists, and media moguls are the greatest liars ever to spin a yarn, or is it the large percentage of the population who are demanding the lie?

How is it that, while we would never dream of lying to others, we constantly lie to ourselves? “I do not want to know what I know and see what I see… I don’t want to be disturbed by frightening facts. The lie is more comforting.”

Let us all chant the wisdom of Big Brother:

War is peace.

Freedom is slavery.

Ignorance is strength.

--Orwell, 1984

Ahhhh, sweet comfort.

Sometimes, however, “sanity is a cozy lie.” (Sontag) It takes courage to face reality (personal or societal) and embrace the initial madness that accompanies acknowledging the truth, after so many years of hiding in lies.

Have you ever had that experience? Eyes are opened and the heart is aghast: confusion, madness, anger, mortification: “I was a foooooooool!” And then the creeping realization that somewhere back there,

I. Choose. The. Lie.

Hiding from the truth doesn’t change the truth. Denying facts does not change the facts. Pretending that reality is other than what it truly is only feeds the hiding-beast and makes his looming and inevitable appearance all that more costly. And before we start pointing out the speck of lies in the other guy’s eye, let’s do some personal work on the log that is in our own eyes

Copyright, Monte E Wilson, 2012

Beware of People

Beware of people void of self-awareness: they will trip you up and cost you big time, and not even know it.

Beware of vampires who continually suck the life out of you, always taking but rarely giving: they are not your friends.   

Beware of people who never make up their minds, agreeing with everyone and no one: they are unstable and unreliable.

Beware of average people: they are satisfied with an average life, produce average work, and only want and give an average love.

Beware of stupid people: they despise knowledge and have a phobia of discipline

Beware of the gossiper: one day he will betray you.

Beware of people incapable of anger: they are incapable of love and revere nothing as sacred.

Beware of people who “honor” you while making light of and, thereby, trashing all that you value: what they call honor is actually condescending pity.

Beware of people who are too quick and effusive in praising you: they are after something.

Beware of people that do not inspire you to be a better person but, rather, lead you toward being smaller, meaner, more foolish, or to betray your values and principles.

Beware of people who wish to tilt the scales of justice toward the poor or the rich: they are not seeking moral equity but vengeance or self-aggrandizement.

Beware of envious people who do not celebrate the good fortune and success of others: they do not want to possess the “good” or to earn it for themselves — they want to destroy it, along with the individual(s) who possesses it.

Beware of people who constantly ridicule and condemn others: their bitterness and mean-spiritedness are infectious.

Beware of ideologues and utopians: the slightest disagreement and, in the blinking of an eye, they will sacrifice you to their cause like a fatted calf.

Beware of becoming a person to beware of.

Copyright, Monte E Wilson, 2012

Finding Wisdom

Listen to advice and take criticism if you want to be wise the rest of your life. –Proverbs19.20

Without counsel plans go wrong: but in the multitude of counselors they are established. – Proverbs15.22

The other day my son was telling me about a friend of his who had made a questionable decision. He asked him to whom he had gone for advice and he said, “My friends!”

Monte IV: O man … you’re screwed.

There is wisdom in seeking a multitude of counselors regarding major decisions in our lives. This is only true, however, if The Multitude is comprised of wise people.

Seeking wisdom from a man about building a successful business who has never done so himself is not so wise

Seeking parental advice from a childless woman is not a wise move

Listening to counsel about how to grow in wisdom and maturity from someone who has been stuck on being 16 for the last 15 years should make you question the depth of your own wisdom!

 “Yes, I think you should jump off of that cliff. I mean, hey, I have zip experience here, but, dude, it feels so … right!”

Why in the world do so many people end up taking advice from people who are clueless? There are probably as many reasons as there are people. Sometimes we take the advice because it is what we wanted to do in the first place. Sometimes we want to have plausible deniability: “It’s not my fault things fell to pieces, he/she/they told me to do this!”

The last thing we want is to sit around and swap ignorance with people. “I talked it all out with people who care for me and we agreed this is what I should do.” Great. Caring people are a wonderful gift but was she an expert in the field of your inquiry? Did he have years and years of experience that backed-up his advice?  

The Multitude

In considering from whom you will seek counsel, a good rule of thumb is, “The older the better.” As Emerson said, “The years teach much which the days never knew.” People who have years of experience can tell you what consequences to expect from most any decision you are considering.

I also highly recommend professionals (psychologists, financial planners, family therapist, Life-coaches, etc.). The zillions of hours these people have spent sorting through thousands of scenarios gives them a breadth and width of knowledge and wisdom that is difficult to find elsewhere. Plus there is the added benefit of their not being emotionally invested, as well as not having entered into the “unspoken conspiracies” (Dan Tocchini) we have with so many of our friends: “If you don’t expose my rot, I wont point out yours!”

In evaluating people regarding whether or not they are wise (Hat-tip to St James):

Wisdom is pure: it does not contain advice that would debase you or others.

Wisdom brings peace: the wise person always seeks the way of peace, not contention.

Wisdom is gentle, willing to yield: the wise are not, by nature, argumentative.

Wisdom is full of kindness and care: the wise are predisposed toward the good of others.

Wisdom is full of good fruit: the evidence of having lived wisely. (This is the point I was making about seeking out people who have long term experience and success in the areas where you need counsel.)

Wisdom is not partial or hypocritical: it is not about playing party against party, and does not ask that you take a position or path based on deceit.

           

Wisdom sometimes appears on the surface to be irrational. Charles Dickens wrote that, “There is a wisdom of the head … and a wisdom of the heart.” This is something I have been thinking about for years now. I suggest that the truly wise have learned when to follow the head and when to follow the heart, as well as when to integrate both.  There are times when it is wise to follow the path revealed by logic and the common sense that comes from experience. There are also times when the “Heart has reasons which reason knows nothing of.” (Pascal) This doesn’t mean the heart is without “reason,” only that the head has yet to understand. Sometimes EQ (emotional intelligence) trumps IQ! Or so I believe …

Copyright, 2012, Monte E Wilson 

Attention! Attention! Attention!

Attention (Merriam-Webster):

A: the act or state of applying the mind to something

B: a condition of readiness for such attention involving especially a selective narrowing or focusing of consciousness and receptivity

I once read about a man in the 13^th century who traveled hundreds of miles over difficult terrain for the opportunity of communicating with a Zen Master. I say, “communicate,” because this Guru did not speak out loud, he would only write.

Seeker: Master, please … after all the decades of your searching for enlightenment … what is the key to wisdom?

Guru: (Taking piece of charcoal and writing on stone) Attention

Seeker: What?

Guru: Attention! Attention!

Seeker: You aren’t understanding me … I am seeking after wisdom…

Guru: Attention! Attention! Attention!

            Yes, yes, well said Mr. Miyagi! Attaining wisdom demands we pay attention. However, this begs the question: to what or to whom? Ahhhh, yes, Daniel-san, Miyagi has hope for you. Attention is context specific: within this or that context, what are my goals, what is my mission, my purpose here, and what behaviors will keep me moving toward success? Our attention then is focused upon congruence between context, our goals within that context, and behaviors.

If I am in a business meeting and my attention is on my children at home, there is a lack of congruence, yes? My mental energies are focused someplace other than my present context which will have an adverse effect on my behavior and, subsequently, the attainment of my goals

If I am on a date with my significant other and my goal or purpose is for her to feel loved and adored and my attention is focused on business, my behaviors will not support my goal.

The reality is that my behaviors are going to follow the direction of my focused consciousness. I can say all I want that I am focused on this business task, the diet I am on, or the relationship I have with this person or those people. However, if my attention is consistently somewhere else, sooner or later, my behaviors will point in the direction of where I am actually applying my mind.

Note: I can be aware that my child is at home sick with the flu and still pay attention to my goals in the business meeting. I can be aware of the fact that there are important matters to take care of at the office and still focus my attention on my date. Conversely, I can also be aware that my business or relationships are failing and not be focusing my attention on their success. Awareness is not attention.

Chunking up from particular contexts in my life to my life over-all: what I pay attention to is what I am going to get more of. This can be a good thing, or not so good. On the other hand, what I do not focus my attention upon will (potentially) wither and die. This can also be a good thing or not so good!

One of the first things you learn when you are being trained to drive at high speeds is that you will go in the direction of your focused attention. If you are looking at that looming wall your reflexes will take you in that direction. Look at where you want the car to go.

Switching metaphors for a moment: what you feed increases its capacity for growing. What you starve dies. Over time, we “feed” what we are paying attention to. We “starve” what we are not paying attention to.

Pay attention to your health, you will get healthier.

Pay attention to what will make you more successful in your career, the possibilities for success increase.

Pay attention to the health of the relationships that are important to you, those relationships will deepen.

Pay attention to increasing in wisdom and understanding in every context of your life, your wisdom will expand.

Don’t pay attention to any of these things and the possibility that they will ever be yours is minimal to no-way.

The first step to success in all contexts of life is Attention! Attention! Attention!

Copyright, Monte E Wilson, 2012 

The Art of Avoiding Reality

I can't think about that right now. If I do, I'll go crazy. I'll think about that tomorrow. – Scarlett O’Hara, Gone With the Wind

What we repress does not simply disappear; at an unconscious level, it remains active. --Nathaniel Branden

Mature people face life head on. (That’s a double entendre, folks!) Seeing what they see and knowing what they know, they engage their hearts and heads so as to make the wisest decision possible regarding the issues at hand.

Immature people often seek to avoid what is in front of them or inside them demanding their attention, especially if it is something that makes them uncomfortable. If I do not own my actions or my emotions (past or present), I cannot learn from them and cannot grow beyond them (if this is what I need to do).

In his book The Art of Living Consciously, Nathaniel Branden highlights three avoidance mechanisms. I will summarize.

One of the more common avoidance mechanisms is to simply unplug your conscious mind and let it drift wherever it will.

As your direct supervisor, you need to know that I have not been satisfied with your performance. (Cue sound of birds chirping outside, while he silently sits there wondering what’s for dinner tonight.)

Your son is struggling in school. (Cue sound of crickets, while her mind drifts to that new dress she is hoping to wear this weekend.)

I think our relationship is in trouble. (Cue perfect imitation of zombie)

We call such non-responsive people “numb,” “asleep at the wheel,” adrift,” “checked-out,” and etc. “If it doesn’t reach my conscious mind, it doesn’t exist: therefore, I don’t have to deal with it.”

Another avoidance mechanism is to wave the white flag and surrender to your emotions. “I am so confused/anxious/hurt/angry/fearful/hopeless/lost/broken.” It is one thing to acknowledge that I am having these feelings while remaining aware of and engaged in seeking understanding of the source of these emotions. (“Head on.”) It is an entirely different matter to surrender to these emotions and, effectively, turn our minds off. “I give up, I don’t want to know, don’t want understanding.” Why wouldn’t someone want to understand? It is easier to hide in the emotions of the moment then to start facing reality because, once I do this, I will need to start making decisions and taking responsibility for the outcomes.

I am ticked-off: don’t even think about challenging me.

I am confused: I can’t be expected to understand anything right now.

I am hurt: its impossible to deal with this issue right now … and I plan on staying hurt for months or even years to come!  

The third avoidance mechanism is distraction. This is when I focus my attention on anything other than where it should be. I am distracting myself (and others!) when I am blame shifting, making excuses, intellectualizing, playing the clown, or engaging in any other activity that will push reality off into the distance.

I wonder if defensiveness could also be a form of avoidance. While Branden does not cite this as an example, elsewhere he does write,  “Defensiveness is the enemy of consciousness.” Upon being confronted by feedback (from people or circumstances) that makes us uncomfortable, if, instead of non-defensive listening, we begin pushing back, we cut off our ability to receive information that can help us adjust our behavior and attitudes in the future. Maybe defensiveness falls under the category of “distraction”? Anyway--

Each of these mechanisms has the same aim: to avoid knowing and seeing. As Branden wrote, “Psychologically, what is being avoided in all such cases is consciousness. Existentially, what is being avoided is reality.”

“If I do not allow myself to know what I really feel (or feel in some context) and if I deny and disown any feelings or emotions that disturb my equilibrium or my self-concept, I repress vital information about my beliefs and values (of which the feelings and emotions are expressions). Therefore, I cannot learn from them, cannot revise them, and I can only go on being frightened any time they threaten to surface. If I do not allow myself to recognize and own actions that now distress me to remember, if I do not take responsibility for them as mine, what will prompt me to act differently in the future? I will have learned nothing.”

Copyright, Monte E Wilson, 2012

Self-Dramatization v Self-Transformation

There can be no transformation without self-awareness for I must first know who I am before I can truly know what needs to be transformed. Yet, in my experience, people seem to want to skip this part of the transformational process and go straight to reinvention.

Vague feelings of discomfort or even of self-hatred may inspire us toward change, but if we do not dig deeper into the source of these feelings, all efforts toward self-transformation end only in window dressing where flimsy curtains are hung so as to hide the still very real and very present unwanted traits.

In this process of seeking to be different, to be other than what we are, wherever there is a lack of self-awareness, what we end up with is not self-transformation but self-dramatization. Having skipped over the first step in the process, the individual can only act out a role he or she wishes to play, rather than being transformed into the person he intends to become.  What he is left with, then, is playing a role in a tragicomedy.

What? You don’t think people close to you can’t see the affected behavior, feel the stress and tension this continual act is placing on you, can’t hear the inauthenticity in your voice? Don’t you think they are entertained when they see you walk out on the stage and realize you have forgotten to put your mask on, forgotten the memorized lines, and all you have to fall back on is being your true self?

Oops!

Copyright, Monte E Wilson, 2012

When Life as You Have Known It Ends

Taking a new step, uttering a new word, is what people fear most. --Dostoevsky

Death, divorce, a Great Depression or Recession, new management, job loss or any other situation where life as we knew it ends: all of these are radical changes that require that we take “a new step” and “utter a new word.” As we can never be fully prepared for what is new, we have to adjust ourselves … and every adjustment is a challenge to our faith, our self-respect, and our confidence.

Whether it is an individual, a family, a community, an organization, a business or a nation, how we begin processing The Adjustment -- how we take those first steps and begin uttering those first new words – is what shapes our future. If we seek to make the necessary adjustments from a place of faith, as well as confidence that we possess the capacity for learning new things and taking on new responsibilities, we will go in one direction. If we give in to fear and despair, we will go in another direction.

The first step in the process of adjusting is seeing what I see and knowing what I know. Denial leads to delusion. Evasion is foolish and only delays the inevitable. Giving into fear keeps us from accessing the resources that lie within us for making the necessary adjustments. Declaring war on circumstances that cannot be changed is an exercise in futility. (“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; 
courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.”) The only healthy way through this process is a mindset that says, “It is what it is: now what?”

Seeing what I see and knowing what I know …

What new steps must I take?

What new words must I learn?

What are the opportunities for personal growth?

What resources are available to me (internally and externally) that will help me make the needed adjustments?

How do I strengthen my self-confidence?

Where might there be even a glimmer of hope for my future, so that I can manage my fears and insecurities and keep walking forward?  

Copyright, Monte E Wilson, 2012