Self-Dramatization v Self-Transformation

There can be no transformation without self-awareness for I must first know who I am before I can truly know what needs to be transformed. Yet, in my experience, people seem to want to skip this part of the transformational process and go straight to reinvention.

Vague feelings of discomfort or even of self-hatred may inspire us toward change, but if we do not dig deeper into the source of these feelings, all efforts toward self-transformation end only in window dressing where flimsy curtains are hung so as to hide the still very real and very present unwanted traits.

In this process of seeking to be different, to be other than what we are, wherever there is a lack of self-awareness, what we end up with is not self-transformation but self-dramatization. Having skipped over the first step in the process, the individual can only act out a role he or she wishes to play, rather than being transformed into the person he intends to become.  What he is left with, then, is playing a role in a tragicomedy.

What? You don’t think people close to you can’t see the affected behavior, feel the stress and tension this continual act is placing on you, can’t hear the inauthenticity in your voice? Don’t you think they are entertained when they see you walk out on the stage and realize you have forgotten to put your mask on, forgotten the memorized lines, and all you have to fall back on is being your true self?

Oops!

Copyright, Monte E Wilson, 2012

When Life as You Have Known It Ends

Taking a new step, uttering a new word, is what people fear most. --Dostoevsky

Death, divorce, a Great Depression or Recession, new management, job loss or any other situation where life as we knew it ends: all of these are radical changes that require that we take “a new step” and “utter a new word.” As we can never be fully prepared for what is new, we have to adjust ourselves … and every adjustment is a challenge to our faith, our self-respect, and our confidence.

Whether it is an individual, a family, a community, an organization, a business or a nation, how we begin processing The Adjustment -- how we take those first steps and begin uttering those first new words – is what shapes our future. If we seek to make the necessary adjustments from a place of faith, as well as confidence that we possess the capacity for learning new things and taking on new responsibilities, we will go in one direction. If we give in to fear and despair, we will go in another direction.

The first step in the process of adjusting is seeing what I see and knowing what I know. Denial leads to delusion. Evasion is foolish and only delays the inevitable. Giving into fear keeps us from accessing the resources that lie within us for making the necessary adjustments. Declaring war on circumstances that cannot be changed is an exercise in futility. (“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; 
courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.”) The only healthy way through this process is a mindset that says, “It is what it is: now what?”

Seeing what I see and knowing what I know …

What new steps must I take?

What new words must I learn?

What are the opportunities for personal growth?

What resources are available to me (internally and externally) that will help me make the needed adjustments?

How do I strengthen my self-confidence?

Where might there be even a glimmer of hope for my future, so that I can manage my fears and insecurities and keep walking forward?  

Copyright, Monte E Wilson, 2012

Maturity: Seeing What I See, Knowing What I Know

 When we are able to see the internal more clearly, we become able to see the external more clearly. -- Nathaniel Branden

To help increase self-awareness in the people I coach, one of the tools I use is sentence-stems. I got the idea from psychologist and author Nathaniel Branden.

Complete this stem 10 times, as quickly as possible. Do not edit yourself, do not stop and think, do not judge: simply write down whatever comes to mind. For example:

"If I took more responsibility for the effect I had on others…” 

… then I would pay closer attention to my words and behaviors

… then I would feel guilty

… then I would have to go apologize to her

... then I would become more flexible in my communication

… then I would feel more powerful  

… then I would be frightened

… and etc.

After completing the exercise, we go over the stems and discover what was merely words that came to mind and what had erupted from the soul. This is a very effective means for getting in touch with the guy behind the mask.

I think one of the most profound stems Branden offers is this one: “If I see what I see and know what I know …” (The Art of Living Consciously) Think about that. If I stopped pretending to be ignorant or confused (two of the most common avoidance-mechanisms counselor hear everyday), what is it that would instantly pop up on my radar?

You: But I am not pretending!

Counselor: Ok. Let’s pretend that you are pretending: If you stopped, what might you see and know?

Take this into specific contexts.

If I see what I see and know what I know about my performance at work…

If I see what I see and know what I know about my finances …

If I see what I see and know what I know about my spouse, my marriage …

If I see what I see and know what I know about this child …

If I see what I see and know what I know about my health …

Professions of spirituality or faith: If I see what I see and know what I know about my professed faith or spirituality …

The sad fact is that all too often we choose to not see what we see and know what we know. We hope that the feigned blindness and ignorance will keep us safe but the abiding fear within keeps gnawing at our souls, and rightfully so: there are sound reasons to be fearful when deep down within, we see what we saw, we know what we knew, and we are still choosing to close our eyes and minds to reality.

The fear of conflict and the fear of taking responsibility are enemies of maturity. “But I didn’t know…I didn’t see…I didn’t understand you…I was confused…” If parents see through this smokescreen when their children offer up this blather, you can see through your own smokescreens as well, yes? Face down the fear, look at what you see and know about yourself and your world, and begin taking action.

Eric Hoffer said, The weakness of a soul is proportionate to the number of truths that must be kept from it. We can say the same about the immaturity of a soul. Or so I believe …

Copyright, Monte E Wilson, 2012

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Immaturity v Emotional Intelligence

If your emotional abilities aren't in hand, if you don't have self-awareness, if you are not able to manage your distressing emotions, if you can't have empathy and have effective relationships, then no matter how smart you are, you are not going to get very far. 

 – Daniel Coleman

When we say someone is “immature,” we are usually evaluating how a person is managing his emotions, especially in challenging situations.

Is he responding (pro-active) or is he reacting (mindless, knee-jerk emotional outbursts)?

What are his mechanisms for coping, for maintaining his psychological equilibrium? (Positive and healthy? Negative and debilitating?)

When in difficult situations, is he able to think rationally and make reasonable decisions?

When we say, “he is immature,” we are giving him poor to failing marks on most or all of these questions.

Maturity is largely about managing our emotions. (Note: there is a huge difference between managing and repressing.)  Daniel Coleman calls such management, Emotional Intelligence. (“Emotional Intelligence: Why it can matter more than IQ.”) The premise of Emotional Intelligence suggests that if we are to maximize our business competencies—managing, selling, teamwork, etc.—then we must manage our emotions. In case study after case study, this process of emotional-management has been shown to be twice as important to our success as our academic abilities and technical skills.

In The Nicomachean Ethics, Aristotle’s philosophical enquiry into virtue, character and the good life, his challenge is to manage our emotional life with intelligence. Our passions, when well exercised, have wisdom; they guide our thinking, our values, our survival. But they can go awry, and do so all too often. As Aristotle saw, the problem is not with emotionality, but with the appropriateness of emotion and its expression. The question is, how can we bring intelligence to our emotions…-- D Coleman

Bringing “intelligence to our emotions” begins with a realistic and accurate assessment of who we are as individuals: this includes our temperaments, talents, behavioral patterns, capacities, and proclivities, as well as our weaknesses and potential blind spots. Such self-awareness opens up to us a whole new world of possibility in our choices regarding how we may more appropriately and expertly utilize our skills and behaviors in the marketplace.

“Intelligence to our emotions” requires we approach our selves and the world around us consciously. Living consciously is “seeking to be aware of everything that bears on our interests, actions, values, purposes, and goals…it is the quest to keep expanding our awareness and understanding, both of the world external to self and of the world within.” (Nathaniel Branden, The Art of Living Consciously.)

Our potential for success increases exponentially with our ability to accurately assess both our selves and those with whom we work. In other words, increased productivity begins with answering two questions:

“Who am I?”

“Who are you?”

Copyright, Monte E Wilson, 2012

How Much is Your Immaturity Worth to You?

When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things. -- St Paul

A few nights ago I am lying in bed and hear email downloading on my phone. I am awake so I grab it and begin scrolling through the mail, stumbling upon this Subject Matter: How Much is Your Immaturity Worth to You? My first thought was that this could only come from one of two friends, both of whom are top echelon transformational trainers: Dan Tocchini or Davide Zaccariello. I was so intrigued that I sat up and turned on the light, put on my reading glasses and read …

“How Much is Your Immunity Worth to You?” It was an advertisement from Shaklee vitamins. Monte: “I don’t always use vitamins, but when I do, it is Shaklee.” (A riff on the advertizing campaign for Dos Equis: The Most Interesting Man in the World.)

Yes, yes, I laughed at myself for a long while. However, I couldn’t stop thinking about the cost of immaturity.

I didn’t get my way when I was 15, so have refused to turn 16 for 30 years. (Arrested Development)

My parents made me the center of the universe: Thou shalt go and do likewise.  (Narcissism … cute in children, ugly in adults)

See my childlike weakness, neediness and helplessness? Please take care of me and protect me or I shall perish. (Victim, utilizing guilt and pity so as to exert control)

Constantly showing up late for meetings

Arguing over minutia with co-workers

Pissing contests with all-comers

Being invisible in team meetings

Demonstrative pouting when you don’t get your way

Temper tantrums when someone points out the weaknesses of your proposals

Defining and interpreting everyone’s words and behaviors in terms of how they affect you

Refusing to take risks because failure is “bad”

The inability to laugh at yourself

Pretending to be someone else, because you fear not being liked for yourself

Treating others, as you fear you will be treated

Pretending to be an authority on all subjects

Refusing to rejoice with others when they rejoice and weep when they are weeping

Constantly making excuses and creating alibis to explain your failure to produce as expected

Demanding perfection of yourself or others

All of this is evidence of a childish immaturity that is robbing me of health (psychological and spiritual) and success in every context of my life.

What is so sad about such behaviors is that all these people are seeing is the momentary pay-off, not the long-term costs. Take any of the behaviors I mentioned and play the movie all the way out to, say, 10 years from now. How much respect do you have for yourself, looking back at how you behaved? How much respect have you earned from those people that matter in your life? How many opportunities for advancement in your career were shut down? How much of your potential are you realizing, compared to 10 years ago?

Putting away childish behavior is a choice, a determination to keep moving forward in the maturation process. Some days you will only make small steps, other days you will take giant leaps forward but, in 10 years, you will look back on your journey and see that the rewards of maturity are far superior to the minimal pay-off for immature behavior. Or so I believe …

Copyright, Monte E Wilson, 2012