Shame, Shame, Shame!

Shame shuts us off from life and shuts us down from others. “I am so evil, wrong, ugly, and unworthy of love and life … I am sorry for existing.” Welcome to the cast of The Walking Dead.

Shame is a powerful tool for leveraging people to do what the dispenser of shame wants them to do. Shamers own the shamed as slaves, turning them into people-pleasers rather than God-pleasers.

Shame lives in the shadows and hides in secrecy. “If people really knew who I am and what I have done and left undone.” So we go through life apologetically rather than courageously.  And the thing here is that many of these people aren’t feeling shame over some horrid immoral act they have committed or that was inflicted upon them, but because they are living quiet, ordinary lives in a world that judges us by whether or not we have attained our 15 minutes of fame or possess the body-type that is in vogue this season.

Shame keeps us invulnerable so that intimacy to any degree and in any kind of relationship is impossible. Shame closes and locks the door to our souls, damning us to perpetual loneliness. But that’s okay, because better a bitter loneliness than the pain of disappointing others by allowing them to see we aren’t all that, eh? However, it is not only a case where we are invulnerable to giving and receiving love and care with others, but are also then closed to the joy of life itself.

Turning On The Light

Whatever lies at the root of your shame, the consequences of hiding it are far worse than the actual event(s)—spiritually, psychologically, and physically. For the shamed, walking in the light is the only hope for forgiveness (if there is need for this) and healing.

Walking in the light, primarily, refers to walking openly before the God who is Light. He sees and knows of your shame and the reasons for it. Your greatest efforts to keep this hidden are useless before His Great Light. Anyway, it’s not like you are going to take something to Him and He is going to be shocked by the revelation.  Helloooooo? He is GOD. The only way for His love to work in you and heal you, however, is to turn the light on by taking your shame to Him.

Turning on the light also means sharing our shame with others: not just anyone mind you, but with trusted friends. If this isn’t a possibility for you, if there is no one in your life that you trust here, then find a good and wise counselor and lay it all out. All of it. Believe me, light will cure what ails you.

The shaming event is part of the truth of you, a chapter in your life’s story. It’s done. You can’t change this. But it doesn’t have to be the title of your book. This is your choice and the only way to get on with the next chapter is to close this one. This is done by your choosing to drain the power of the event by turning on the lights. “This is what happened, what I did or was done to me. This is how I feel about it.” If some people want this to be the title of your life story that is their decision. All you can do here is acknowledge their choice and see to it they aren’t central characters in future chapters.

Jesus said that that the thief—a.k.a. The Accuser—seeks to rob, steal, and destroy. This is what shame does: it robs you of health, steals your joy, and destroys the faith you need for becoming and doing all God intended, when, on the day of your conception, He said, “Let There Be … You!”

Copyright, Monte E Wilson, 2013

Becoming Your Name

In Stephen R Lawhead’s Merlin, when Merlin gave the infant boy to Tewdrig, asking him to be his stepfather, Tewdrig asks what the boy was to be called.

Shameful to tell, I had not thought to call the infant anything. Neither Uther nor Ygerna had bestowed a name, and I had been too preoccupied with its safety to give it any consideration.  But the babe must have a name …

A word is given when a word is required.  And this time, like so many others, the name came unbidden to my tongue: “Arthur.”

Tewdrig tried the name.  “Arthur … Very well.  An unusual name, though.  What does it mean?”

“I believe he will have to make the meaning for himself.” 

As Merlin had said about his own name: “Every man has two names: the one he is given, and the one he wins for himself.”  While they bear the name given them at birth, others name Legendary Leaders “Visionary,” “Wise,” “Just,” “Compassionate,” “Courageous,” or “Prophetic.”  What is the name your life and work is “winning” for you?

There is a beautiful picture of our journey that reads like something written by J.R.R. Tolkien, George MacDonald or C.S. Lewis.  In St. John’s book Revelation, he writes that when we arrive in heaven, we will be given a white stone with our name written on it: a name no one knows but God.  This is a central aspect of your Quest, part of what it means to be “whole.”  You are becoming that name.  Your life is a living letter, an evolving story.  You are the central character in your story: the hero or heroine.

Imagine: As the story begins, your counselor has suggested that you are experiencing severe angst.  You constantly speak of needing to go somewhere you have never been, of seeing faraway places in your mind’s eye, of feeling out of place, and of not fitting in your surroundings.  It’s not a physical place you are looking for, however, but a metaphysical place, a spiritual place.

You are constantly being overwhelmed with the feeling that there is another “you” struggling within to reveal his or her self.  What makes the story particularly intriguing is the fact that you have amnesia.  Hearing that there is a psychologist who can help you, you have come to this person for counsel.

During one of your sessions, your counselor mentions this fabulous, unbelievable tale.  She is not certain that it is literally true but thinks it might be a helpful metaphor.  It appears that there is a king who lives on top of a mountain who knows you and knows your name.  The challenge is going to be to get to the top of the mountain.

At the bottom of the mountain is a raging fire.  It is a very strange fire.  At the beginning of the path is an external fire that is, at times, excruciatingly painful and difficult to get through.  However, once you do, the fire is absorbed into your soul, where it will then empower you for the rest of your journey.  The fire at the bottom of the mountain purges away all that is not the individual you are to become.  The fire that flames within gives you the power to take charge of your journey and to do whatever it takes to meet the king on top of the mountain.

(From my book, Legendary Leadership) 

Copyright, Monte E Wilson, 2009 

The Quest for the Holy Grail: Falling Down a Rabbit Hole

The Quest for the Holy Grail, the mythical cup that Jesus was to have used during his last supper with his twelve disciples.  There are many legends in the Arthurian tradition surrounding this chalice.  Most of them tell of the Grail’s powers to give light, healing, and wisdom to whoever drinks from the cup.

This Grail is in but not of this world.  It represents the power of the Rescuing and Healing God who is both here with us and infinitely beyond us.  The Holy Grail’s value is so immeasurable and our needs are so unfathomable that we instinctively know that it is only in discovering the Holy Grail—encountering and knowing this God—that our hearts will be healed and our souls will be satisfied.

-- From my book, Legendary Leadership

I have spent much of my life coaching and mentoring people who have set out upon this quest. One of the first misconceptions that is usually encountered along the way is that, once you take a sip from the Grail and the God of Light explodes in your soul, this doesn’t mean all your doubts and troubles are going to disappear. The idea was that as my faith and trust in the God of the Grail deepen there would be a corresponding decrease of doubts and trials. The reality is that they often grow in direct proportion to each other.

The more I know, the less I know. The more I see, the more I see there is infinitely more to see. The more I see of the Great Light, the more clearly I see my own darkness. While drinking from the Grail does strengthen my faith, this does not translate into seeing all and knowing all. And it most certainly does not place me on a path where all dragons are chained, all witches behind bars, and all the treasures I seek are lying on the ground where I can easily retrieve them.

A man in search of God or for more of God has fallen down a rabbit hole and never knows exactly where he is or where he is going, other than toward God. He is holding on to the promise that those who truly are seeking God, will find Him. Sometimes the only hope he has left is that even if he has taken a wrong turn in his quest, God sees and is pleased with his desire to find and please Him.

The increase of faith we experience when drinking from the Grail does not do away with doubts. The truth is, the deeper our faith the more aware we are of our doubts. Faith is never “certain,” that is why it is called “faith.” A man of faith is assailed by doubts, because he knows there is a difference between faith and acquiescing to conventional wisdom. “Is this Truth, or is it truth?” “What if…?” “Maybe this is fool’s gold and not the real thing?” “If I can only see one foot in front of myself on this path, maybe I am going the wrong way?” The quest is filled with quest-ioning.

Drinking from the Grail is not the same thing as drinking an elixir. Faith is not something we use to rub on the belly of a Genie and all our wishes come true. Faith is not a pain-killer. Faith does not inoculate us from the vicissitudes of life. Faith rarely makes the storms we are experiencing on our quests, cease: it does, however, keep us on the quest, while the lightening and thunder makes the ground under our feet tremble.

The metaphor of drinking from the Holy Grail is about drinking in the God of light, healing, and wisdom. It is not about finding the cup and only taking a sip, but about continually drinking. In other words, it is about a relationship with God, who is also your Father.  As with any good father, He will not carry you down the path. He demands, rather, that you learn to toddle along, then walk upright and straight, and then to run. The obstacles you are facing are not meant to deter you, but to mature you.

Copyright, Monte E Wilson, 2013

You Are You: Not Him, Her, or Them

It seems to me that, for the majority of people, self-knowledge is constrained to the persona. When speaking of being self-aware, if they ever do, what people usually mean is that they are conscious … of their conscious self! The subconscious self with all of its issues, motives, intentions and such, is unknown, and, so, unexplored and unexamined.

Being unaware of my inner self, having not one clue as to who I am to become or to what lies within me that is at war with this person, I am yanked around and prodded into mindless action. If anyone ever asks me “why” I did something, I reply, “’Dunno. I just did.” I don’t know why I do what I do or why I feel or believe as I do. I just do. For the unaware, life is something that happens to him, not something he creates.

Mindlessness is easy. Not wanting to exert the effort to become who God called them to be, people adopt generalizations about how all people think and feel, and then airily announce, “I have come to the conclusion that this is how I think and feel.” This requires no soul work: no sweating of the brain, no digging down into the heart, no self-examination. But just as this leaves me a victim of unknown internal forces, it also leaves me vulnerable to those external forces that are at war with even the notion of individuality. I am referring to those people determined to define me as a sociological statistic, to place me in a large box that can be easily managed and controlled.

The individual, however, is not a statistic. We cannot generalize about “this” man or “that” woman. We do, of course. We encounter a unique human being, a once in all eternity and inimitable soul, and we place him in a category, along with all the others who are just-the-same.

Governments do this with gusto, crafting policies for Man in General, planning economies for the mass designated, “Humankind” or “Citizens.” This is why, historically, government social planning always fails, because, when it comes to human beings, there is no such thing as The Norm.

Of course, people who see themselves as a statistic do not chafe at being treated like one. Group Think is only possible when each person in The Group sees his or her self as being undifferentiated from the whole. There really isn’t a singular self: only an “us.” This is the road to serfdom, the mindset of a slave. And wouldn’t you know it: there is always somebody around that will see this as an opportunity to exert his will over The Group. “My will be done in the US, as it is in DC.” -- The mindset of a slave-owner. 

Breaking Away

Breaking away from the herd, from Group Think, from slavery, is a scary prospect. Refusing to allow others to think their thoughts through your brain and choosing to live your own life rather than allowing others to direct your life as they deem best are no small hurdles when, up until now, you have always gone-along-to-get-along. This is especially so if the individual doesn’t have the psychological and spiritual resources to combat the hell that The Group will seek to put him through when he chooses to say, I exist. I think my own thoughts, not yours or theirs.

Do you remember the scene from The Matrix where Neo (Keanu Reaves) takes the Red Pill and almost dies? This is a very apt metaphor for what happens to us when we first break away from the fantasy and its accompanying delusions created by Group Think (The Blue Pill) and, instead, embrace reality (The Red Pill). Surviving this existential breakdown until it becomes a breakthrough, takes extraordinary commitment and faith.  However--

Surviving this breakdown also helps prepare you for maintaining your individuality. With each victory—and sometimes just surviving is a victory—your personhood is strengthened. Each time you choose to be true to your self and take responsibility for your own life (a moral imperative), you add more definition and depth to your soul.

You count. You matter. God brought you to the party for a reason, and it wasn’t so that you could pretend to be like everyone else. Shed the persona, get comfortable in your own skin with your own soul, and seek to be who God created you to become. Sure, soul-work can be arduous, but slavery is far more costly; especially if you believe in eternity.

Copyright, Monte E Wilson, 2013

Life in the Valley: Turning Humiliation Into Humility

He that is down needs fear no fall,

   He that is low, no pride;

He that is humble ever shall

   Have God to be his guide.

--From John Bunyan’s, The Valley of Humiliation

One of the more necessary attributes for those who intend to quest for God and for the realization of their visions, is humility. And living and working in The Valley is juuuust the right place for developing this quality of soul.

It is the humble man that knows that he can’t accomplish anything of worth without God’s grace. It is humility that allows us to seek the help and wisdom of others: help that we will definitely need for getting the job done. It is the humble heart and mind that never gives in to doubt, skepticism, and cynicism. It is humility that keeps us grounded in the reality that our life, our vision, and our calling, is ultimately not about making us look good in the eyes of the world or to feel good about ourselves, but about making our small part of The Valley a more God honoring place.

Down here in The Valley, I am constantly made aware of how far I have to go to become the man God has called me to become and accomplish what I have been called to do. Seeing the discrepancies here can keep me humble. I say, “can,” because seeing the discrepancies in the wrong light may also rob me of the faith I need to continue my quest.

Humility has nothing to do with self-hatred and self-condemnation: these are soul-killers. They are not virtues. These attitudes don’t lift you up to God: they pull you away from Him. Self-hatred and condemnation are acts of the self, bashing the self, for not being God. Herein lies one of the great battles of your quests. As soon as you set out on the path dictated by your vision, as soon as you profess your quest to seek the Holy Grail, you begin encountering the Great Dragon, The Destroyer, The Accuser of God’s people.

The Valley of Humiliation

Once you leave the mountaintop where you experience God and see something of the vision of why you are here on earth, you wake up realizing you are living in what John Bunyan called, The Valley of Humiliation. To exacerbate your own awareness of and hatred for your failings, the Dragon is going to come around and rub your face in all the messes you have made of your life. He’s going to accuse you with the intention of destroying you. That’s the plan anyway.

You are nothing but caca. You have failed so many times in the past to live up to your code, to honor God in thought, word, and deed … all you are good at is failure. Let’s go back over every foul thing you have ever thought of doing and have done. People don’t love you because you are not worthy of love. In fact, you are unworthy of the quest.

The humiliation is crippling. And what do you say? It’s the truth!

The way through this battle may sound counter-intuitive at first, but it is the only way. You must turn humiliation into humility.

In Bunyan’s The Pilgrim’s Progress, when Apollyon (The Destroyer) tics off the accusations against Christian, he replies, “All this is true, and much more which thou hast left out.” Or, in St Paul’s words, “Yep, I am not just any sinner, I am the chief of sinners.” Do you see the spiritual jujitsu here? You are taking the force of the enemy’s accusation and using it against him and for yourself. What you are saying to The Accuser is that, if walking with God and pursuing my calling depended on my perfection or worthiness, than I am undone. But it doesn’t. It all hangs on God’s grace in Christ.

The next time Apollyon starts mouthing off, hit him with, “Crikey, you don’t know the half of it. The stories I could tell you about my epic failures ... Gratefully, however, this isn’t about me. It’s about God’s love and grace for me. Scurry along now. I have work to do.” And the spell is broken.

Those who embrace the humiliations of their lives, owning these failures as truly and honestly theirs, and then turn and humbly offer all up to the God of Grace for His mercy and forgiveness, these are the ones God has promised to take by the hand and lead. When you are on a mountaintop you don’t sense any desperate need for God’s help in every facet of your life. When confronted with the realities of life and our very human nature while living down in The Valley, we know that we are road-kill without His grace and guiding hand. That’s a good place to be.  

Copyright, Monte E Wilson, 2013