For
over 20 years, I have worked with orphanages in Africa. One of the things I am
constantly amazed by is how so many of these children are filled with a sense
of belonging to a family. Rather than constantly being in fear that they will
be abandoned again sometime in the future, they have chosen to embrace the gift
of familial love with the other children and caretakers with whom they are now
living. Choosing to focus on the love and care that they are receiving, past
traumas are placed in a different frame. It is not that they will ever forget what
happened to them, but how they are now focusing on all the good that has come
their way because of or in spite of their past.
Two women, both had cancer: one of them chooses to live in fear, the other grabs
each breath and squeezes out of it every bit of life and joy possible.
Two men, both had businesses that went bankrupt: one experiences the failure as commentary by God on
his worth, the other embraces the failure, mining for wisdom, so as to be
successful the next time he rolls the dice.
You were betrayed by a loved one or a business
partner: What do you do?
a Never trust
anyone again
b Choose to learn
to live and love with knowledge and discernment
c Pretend it never
happened
In
dealing with past traumas and failures, many people choose c: Pretend it never
happened. Maybe they live in all-out denial or refer to their past selves in
second person -- “she” was so abused, “he” was such an idiot. Some people
re-write the facts of their past, so as to protect themselves from guilt or
fear. Whatever the ruse we choose to use, the past remains what it was. Yes, I
can evade reality: I simply cannot evade
the consequences of evading reality. (Ayn Rand)
The
first step to future freedom, health and success is to embrace reality: you
blew it, he failed you, she stole from you, or they abandoned you. Reality can
be harsh: evasion is deadly. Your personal power is
going to come through grasping reality, not through pretending it wasn’t what
it was or isn’t what it is.
Reframing
our pasts isn’t the same as lying to our selves about the facts of our pasts.
Reframing our pasts so that it empowers us for our future requires that we
first deal with the facts. Caca happened, and try as you might to pretend it
didn’t, that doesn’t stop the stench that is possibly presently emanating from your
life.
Guilt and Fear
In
my 40-years of experience as a counselor and coach, I have discovered that the
two reasons that most often keep people from facing reality is Guilt and Fear.
If
I face the facts of my past …
I will see that I was guilty
I will see that I didn’t do
what I promised to
I will see that I could have
done better, behaved with more integrity
I will see that I
lied/cheated/betrayed
I will see that I was
foolish
Please
note that each of these responses is an interpretation of the facts, not the
fact itself. The Facts of an event are not synonymous with the Truth of the
event. Yes, you may discover all these “failures” are an accurate
interpretation: The Truth of what happened. Or you may not.
“Guilt”
is an objective reality -- or so I believe. You broke the law or you didn’t.
You broke one of the Ten Commandments or you didn’t. You failed to keep your
Code of Honor. You broke the laws of love or you didn’t. Just because someone’s
feelings were hurt, doesn’t mean you failed. After all, “feelings” are not the
standard of morality!
In
evaluating the facts, if you see that, yes, you failed to keep your word, tell
the truth, respect the dignity of others, or whatever: Own It. Reframing lies
are of no use to people who wish to own their power. Calling my caca “manna from
heaven” doesn’t fool anyone and only serves to create the possibility of
producing more caca in your future.
Guilt is debilitating, leaving us with little faith
and hope for our future.
Guilt over the past creates a lens through which we
look at and evaluate our present and future.
Guilty people are easily manipulated. Governments
have known this for a long time: make the citizens feel guilty for x and they
will gladly accept higher taxes to pay for their “sins.” Children have also
been known to master this same tactic!
By
the way, I strongly recommend that, when looking at the facts of your past,
that you share your story with respected and trusted friends. Seeing your story
through the eyes of another person can bring immense wisdom and insight. Just
tell the story, the entire story: don’t interpret and judge as you share your
experience. And then listen to your friend’s take on what happened.
If
you do discover guilt, own it and ask forgiveness: if it all possible
face-to-face. If you can’t do this, call him or her on the phone. Writing
emails or letters and asking forgiveness are dicey propositions, as they are so
easily misinterpreted. When you ask forgiveness, be sure to not add any
you-a-culpas. Keep to mea culpas.
Casting blame on others – I know I failed, but you set me up by doing what you
did – is an equivocation that communicates self-justification. “I wouldn’t have
failed had you not failed.” Also, no buts:
“I did this and ask your forgiveness but …” Whenever you use the word “but” it
negates everything that went before that word. Finally (for now!), ask
forgiveness to the depth of the actual failure, being specific about your
failures: “I did this, that, and the other.” Generalities are equivocations.
Once
you ask forgiveness, let it go. Even if the individual chooses to not forgive,
that is his issue. Do not allow the lack of forgiveness of others to leverage
your health and happiness. If you need to and can make amends or restitution,
of course you should. However, do this out of love not a drive to make up for
your failures. After all, you can’t “make up” for failures, you can only be
forgiven. (For a more extensive take on moral failures I highly recommend you read
“The Ill-Made Knight,” a chapter in that now classic book, Legendary Leadership.)
The
other major barrier to dealing with the facts of our past is Fear. I will write
about this in my next blog.
Copyright, Monte E Wilson, 2012
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