Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Turn On the Lights and Ask

You do not have because you do not ask. -St James

So many people go through life wanting what they refuse to ask for and then constantly creating back-stories to justify their passivity.

I am not worthy.

It wouldn’t really work, anyway.

They wouldn’t say yes, because…
She is mean
He doesn’t love me
They are selfish

It’s better to not set myself up for rejection.

It would only start an argument.

Asking will make me look needy.

And then?

The promotion goes to one of your peers because he went and advocated for the position, while you “humbly” kept mum.

Your raise was a mere cost-of-living-adjustment because you didn’t make a case for being worth more than this.

You remain frustrated or otherwise stressed in a relationship critical to you, because you won’t make your needs or wants known.

In other words, you provide no room for the materialization of all the possibilities that would be created by simply asking for what you want.

“But what if the answer is, ‘No’?” Well, how badly do you want what you want? What is it worth to you? If their answer was negative and you still want what you want, maybe you need to reframe your request. Maybe there needs to be a longer and more in-depth conversation about your wants or needs, as well as those of the one to whom you made your request: a conversation that either changes their mind or transforms the nature of your request. And maybe you need to begin adjusting to the reality of, “No,” and moving on to “What now?” which creates a new set of possibilities.

When you make the unknown known it causes a shift in your relationship. Maybe the shift will not be in the direction you had hoped. Maybe it will. You don’t and can’t know until you ask.

As long as you want what you want yet don’t have it because you have not asked, there is going to be a degree of agitation or confusion or frustration on your part, isn’t there? What is this going to produce in the relationship? And believe me here: many of those unspoken wants and needs that you think you have stabbed to death and buried have become vampires that are sucking the life out of you and your relationships.

Think of Asking as an act of turning the lights on and Not Asking as choosing to keep your heart hidden in the dark. Now tell me this: which of these are filled with possibilities and which is a self-made dungeon filled with vampires? However scary walking in the light can be at times, I think Undead Wants and Needs slowly sucking my life’s essence away is scarier. But maybe that’s just me.

Copyright, Monte E Wilson, 2014

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