Captain Kirk: Dammit, Bones, you're a doctor. You
know that pain and guilt can't be taken away with the wave of a magic wand.
They're things we carry with us, the things that make us who we are ... If we
lose them, we lose ourselves. I don't want my pain taken away. I need my pain. (Can’t you just hear
Shatner saying this in his famous, over the top, staccato style?) -- From, Star Trek V: The Final Frontier
Like most of you, I have had
my share of titanic spiritual and psychological struggles. Some of these
battles left scars, and some of them left me with open wounds that I feel to
this day. I have begged God for healing, pleaded, and even tried bargaining,
but I never had anything He needed. (Go figure.) Add my unwanted personality
quirk/weakness of being extremely sensitive, say, to living with melancholy or depression, and … O my. “What’s up with this, Lord? Can I get a little
relief, here?”
God: No.
Monte: Can you at
least give me a, ‘Not yet’?
Along the way I have
learned some things about living with internal battles, weaknesses, and wounds.
To start with, I discovered
that many of my weaknesses and unwanted personality traits were part and parcel
with my strengths so that if I seek to rid myself of them, I would end up restricting what I do best. Subsequently, I no longer see, say, melancholy as an enemy that
must be defeated but, rather, as a sparing partner who is forcing me deeper
into my soul, as well as to rely more completely upon the God of grace and love.
And this led me to another realization.
Sometimes, healing is not for our
best. Sometimes Jacob is going to live out his days with a limp and Paul is
going to keep whatever that “thorn” was in his side. Sometimes the malady is
our chief source of wisdom, humility, and many of our most valued strengths. Kirk
was right. In some cases, if we lose the pain, we lose part of our selves.
If you came to me today and
told me that you could make it so that all my wounds would be healed, cause my
melancholy and depression to vanish forever, and free me from my unwanted personality traits, but that, in return for my
deliverance, I had to give up all the good and all the graces that have
come to me through these struggles, I would choose to retain these weaknesses
and maladies. Through my struggles, my soul has grown with a greater awareness
of and empathy for the pain and struggle of others, a keener understanding of
my strengths and limitations, the value of sharing souls with a cherished
friend, and the joy of serving and caring for others. So. No deal. No
thank-you.
I am not advocating masochism. I am
simply suggesting there are sometimes larger issues at stake, so I need to be
careful about wanting to be delivered where God wants me to be transformed.
John Adams and Abraham Lincoln
suffered with melancholy and depression, as did Winston Churchill: would they
have been the men they were, achieved the heights of successes that they did,
had they been “healed”? Would Psalm 42, or CS Lewis’ “A Grief Observed,” or the
homilies and poetry of John Donne been written had these men not wrestled with
despair? The great American Industrialist John D. Rockefeller suffered with
depression: what about his accomplishments without the soul created by his
suffering? My experience says, no, they would not have had the successes they
achieved without having the internal battles they waged.
Something else I have learned about
living with such battles:
Everybody has been shot.
Do you remember this scene from the
movie Black Hawk Down, the story of
the Battle of Mogadishu in 1993 (the locals call it the Day of the Rangers), when our troops were ambushed while seeking
to capture a Somali warlord? This exchange takes place in the middle of a
firefight.
McKnight (Tom Sizemore): You, get
up there and drive!
Othic (Kent Linville): But I’m shot
Colonel!
McKnight: Everybody’s shot!
Most people have been shot at least
once or twice. Wounds, issues, and struggles can easily make us self-centered. You’re
not the only one dealing with such things, so watch out for the attitude my-pain-sets-me-apart
as someone who warrants a pass on caring for others or treating people with
dignity, grace, and love, or ceasing to be and do all that God has called you
to.
While I am mindful of the reality
that some people’s wounds require them to get off the firing line and into a
hospital, most of us need to saddle up and do what is required. After all, that
never ending internal battle, those wounds, and your “weaknesses” have actually
given you strengths, wisdom, and graces that your fellow-knights desperately need
for waging their battles. Anyway, it is amazing how much the pain often
subsides when you are serving others and fighting for a cause greater than
yourself.
Thank you Monte. I am with you.
ReplyDelete