Expectations are produced by
beliefs. Even the definition of the word suggests that this is so, for to
expect something is to believe that
it will or should take place. When you tell me that you
are my friend, and I believe you, because I have certain beliefs regarding the
nature of friendship, I will expect behaviors congruent with those
beliefs. Conversely, if I have no expectations of you, then I have no beliefs
regarding you or our relationship. It seems to me that one of life’s greater challenges is to pay attention
to what our expectations are telling us about our beliefs.
People who live in a perpetual state
of disappointment are usually individuals with a belief-system in place that
has produced unrealistic expectations for themselves, others, and for life in
general. Believing that I am to attain perfection in this life, that love means
never having to say you are sorry, and that there should never be long lines at
the grocery store, produces expectations that are not going to be met!
Agreeing with Shakespeare who wrote
that, “Expectation is the root of all heartache,” some
people decide the best way to avoid pain and disappointment is to do away with
expectations altogether. However, to do away with all expectation means that I
have no beliefs regarding life (and, possibly, the God over life), my relationships
with my loved ones, or myself. To me, this agnostic approach to living opens
the door to apathy, which is only a few steps from cynicism.
I think a wiser way to approach the pain that
comes with expectations not being met is to consider the nature of the belief
that produced the expectation. If I am pained by your behavior toward me, what
is my belief regarding you, the nature of our relationship, and the behaviors I
believe congruent with this relationship? While I am not going to change my
beliefs about stealing or lying, for example, I may want to adjust a belief
that says, “If we are to remain friends, I believe you must like everything I like and dislike everything I
dislike.” The next question is were you aware of my
beliefs, and, if you were, did you agree with these beliefs and the expectations
that went along with them? Come on. How can I be upset with your behavior
toward me if it was something –a belief-- that we never shared?
Your beliefs about God, life, human
nature, love, family, friendship, work, integrity, and everything else, are creating
expectations. Sometimes these beliefs need to deepen and be filled with more
substance, thus, creating higher expectations. At other times, you will find
that you need to stop typing a belief in all capitol letters with exclamation
points and use a much smaller font size. And, in some instances, you may find
that you need to let go of the belief and the expectations that came with it. The
next time you are disappointed in life, others, or yourself, as something or
someone failed to meet your expectations, check out your beliefs: they just may
need to be adjusted.
Copyright, Monte E Wilson, 2013
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