Who Are You...Today?

So. You got together over the holidays with the family and within 5 minutes everyone was behaving as expected: The Boss, the Clown, the Vulcan, and the Agitator, all were seeking center stage. Okay. Not the Vulcan. He (she?) was above it all. “Typical.” What is it about relational dynamics, be it with our Significant Other, or our family, or friends, or business partners that produces such a powerful gravitational pull toward reverting to old--and not so useful--behavioral patterns? I suggest that it is the fact that people usually live up or down to our, and their own, expectations.

Some of you are familiar with the case study where two teachers are each given 20 students. Teacher A is told that her students are, academically, average to below average and not to expect too much of them. Teacher B is told that her 20 students are geniuses and that she will probably have difficulty keeping up with them. At the end of the semester, Teacher A’s students all made Cs, whereas the majority of Teacher B’s students made A’s. The teachers were then informed that all 40 students were C students. Just so.

Goethe said, “If you treat an individual ... as if he were what he ought to be and could be, he will become what he ought to be and could be.” I think this a tad overstated, but I do believe he is making a valid point here. What if, rather than expecting people to perform and behave as they always have in the past, we constantly choose to let go of old images and allow them to have evolved and matured? Furthermore, what if we greeted them with the expectation (or at least hope) that they were realizing more and more of his or her potential, increasing in wisdom and maturity?

Of course, we can adopt the canard that it is best to have no expectations whatsoever. But then we are saying that we have no beliefs regarding them or their potential, one way or the other: “Just do whatever. I really don’t care.” Wow, thank you so much for your vote of confidence. So inspirational. So thoughtful.  

At the very least, I suggest that, in all of our relationships, we constantly recalibrate: “Who are you … today?” It is in your best self-interest to do so, because, if he has changed, and you haven’t updated your communications, your expectations, and your way of being, then you just may be kept out of the loop in ways that are very costly.

Copyright, Monte E Wilson, 2013

Breaking the Rules

            Most people have rules for how you must relate to them. There are the Primary Rules, such as don’t lie, cheat, or steal. Then there are the Secondary Rules. For example, Don’t ever raise your voice at me; Always be on time; Tell me I am good looking at least once a day; When I ask you a question, you must answer me instantly; Never point out my weaknesses; Laugh at all my jokes.

One of the problems with our Secondary Rules is treating them as if they were Primary Rules, so that failure to obey them will get the rule-breaking sinners excommunicated from our presence, or at least sent to their room for a time-out. But do we really want to treat “raising your voice at me” as if it were the same as “stealing from me”?

Another problem with Secondary Rules is that we are often not conscious of them. To us they are presuppositions that are so unquestionably true that we do not even think of them. Never have. Well, not until someone crosses us and then our anger is screaming: “Look here! Why it’s one of your rules being broken!” (I have a theory here that says the more Secondary Rules you have, the fewer the friends, but that’s a topic for another day.)

The next time you choose to erupt in anger at someone who has broken the rules for being allowed to occupy your world and live in peace, STOP! Take a breath. Now. Ask yourself:

Is this a Primary or Secondary Rule and am I responding accordingly?

Did this person know about these rules?
Did she, he, or they agree to abide by them?

I wonder if it would help here, if, once you become aware of a Secondary Rule, you would place it in a category titled, Preferences. And it would definitely be useful if you would have conversations with your loved ones about these Preferences. After you’ve calmed down, of course.

My experience is that more relationships are busted up by conflicts over Secondary Rules than by Primary ones. Worse, the offenders were quite often clueless about the rule until they had broken it. But they should have known. After all, everyone knows this is a rule. Come on. If Moses were alive today, he would have chiseled this one onto the stone tablets.

Copyright, Monte E Wilson, 2013

You Expected Me to Do What?

Expectations are produced by beliefs. Even the definition of the word suggests that this is so, for to expect something is to believe that it will or should take place. When you tell me that you are my friend, and I believe you, because I have certain beliefs regarding the nature of friendship, I will expect behaviors congruent with those beliefs. Conversely, if I have no expectations of you, then I have no beliefs regarding you or our relationship. It seems to me that one of life’s greater challenges is to pay attention to what our expectations are telling us about our beliefs.  

People who live in a perpetual state of disappointment are usually individuals with a belief-system in place that has produced unrealistic expectations for themselves, others, and for life in general. Believing that I am to attain perfection in this life, that love means never having to say you are sorry, and that there should never be long lines at the grocery store, produces expectations that are not going to be met!

Agreeing with Shakespeare who wrote that, “Expectation is the root of all heartache,” some people decide the best way to avoid pain and disappointment is to do away with expectations altogether. However, to do away with all expectation means that I have no beliefs regarding life (and, possibly, the God over life), my relationships with my loved ones, or myself. To me, this agnostic approach to living opens the door to apathy, which is only a few steps from cynicism.

I think a wiser way to approach the pain that comes with expectations not being met is to consider the nature of the belief that produced the expectation. If I am pained by your behavior toward me, what is my belief regarding you, the nature of our relationship, and the behaviors I believe congruent with this relationship? While I am not going to change my beliefs about stealing or lying, for example, I may want to adjust a belief that says, “If we are to remain friends, I believe you must like everything I like and dislike everything I dislike.” The next question is were you aware of my beliefs, and, if you were, did you agree with these beliefs and the expectations that went along with them? Come on. How can I be upset with your behavior toward me if it was something –a belief-- that we never shared?

Your beliefs about God, life, human nature, love, family, friendship, work, integrity, and everything else, are creating expectations. Sometimes these beliefs need to deepen and be filled with more substance, thus, creating higher expectations. At other times, you will find that you need to stop typing a belief in all capitol letters with exclamation points and use a much smaller font size. And, in some instances, you may find that you need to let go of the belief and the expectations that came with it. The next time you are disappointed in life, others, or yourself, as something or someone failed to meet your expectations, check out your beliefs: they just may need to be adjusted.

Copyright, Monte E Wilson, 2013

The Morality of Capitalism

In the Memoirs of Matthew regarding the life of Christ, he writes about a parable told by Jesus regarding a man who went off on an extended journey. (Matthew 25) Before taking off, the man calls his servants together and gave each of them some money. One servant received $5,000, another $2,000, and a third was given $1,000.

After a long time the man returns, calls the three servants and asks about the return on his investment. (ROI) The man who received $5,000 doubled his master’s investment. His master was so pleased with his ROI that he told this servant that, from then on, they would be partners. The man who received $2,000 had also doubled his master’s investment and, therefore, was also promoted to being a partner.

The man who was given $1,000, however, fearing that any investment carried with it an inherent risk, decided to bury the money so that he would still have it when his master returned. The master, not being impressed with the guy’s risk-aversion, told him that, at the very least, he should have invested in a bank CD or in the money market so that there would have at least been a minimal ROI. The master then took the man’s $1,000, gave it to the man who had risked the most, and then fired the fearful, miserly servant.

The moral of the story? The God who gave you your gifts, talents, capacities, and opportunities expects a ROI. And only in a free market economy do you have optimal opportunity for doing just this.

Anyone who interferes with your stewardship, anyone who restricts the freedoms required to be a good steward or robs you of the rewards of your stewardship, is interfering with that stewardship: infringing upon what our founding fathers referred to as your God given unalienable rights of Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness.

Your Money

It is telling that Jesus used money as a means for conveying his message. There is nothing here about giving all your money to the poor, and nothing about sacrificing your wealth for the good of society and being rewarded in heaven. On the contrary, the two men who doubled their master's money were rewarded in-this-life, while the man with no ROI for his bosses money is fired.

Money is a symbol of productivity. Money represents your labor, your talents, your skills, your time, your faithfulness, and your aptitude for decision-making. In a free society, where men and women of good will exchange their best efforts in mutual self-interest, your wealth is based on the degree of your productivity, how well you manage your resources, and upon the value of what you have to offer to your fellow consumers.

Money is based on the premise that you are the owner-steward of your mind and of your effort.

In a free society, we do not exchange our needs for someone else’s values: we exchange value for value. My needs, my sufferings, however great, are not a value in the market place. If I want to make money, I must produce. I do this with my brains, my skills, and my labor.

Of course, nothing I am writing here is to suggest I believe that where you spend eternity is based on your net worth. Christ’s parable does, however, reveal that God evaluates how each of us used the gifts, talents and opportunities He gave us and rewards us accordingly.

Why is a free market so important? Because it is the only morally sound economic system. Yeah. You heard me right.  

Capitalism respects your right of ownership. “You shall not steal,” says God. Socialism, believing in its own omniscience and omnipotence, does not regard this law as having any application to the State.

Capitalism respects your individuality, your personhood, and the unalienable rights with which you were born. Socialists only respect the will of the State, the will of the ruling elites. As they see it, life and death (both literally and metaphorically) are not solely in the hands of God, but, rather, are in the hands of the Omniscient State.

Capitalism allows you to enjoy the rewards of your labor, as well as to learn from your failures. Socialism decides who best deserves the rewards you’ve earned, and whether or not you will be allowed to succeed or fail.

Capitalism and capitalism alone grants each individual the greatest degree of freedom for achieving exceptionalism. Socialism is always at war with individual exceptionalism, preferring to sacrifice individual achievement to the good of the collective.

Capitalism allows you to make as much money as you are able for your own sake, for your family’s sake, for love’s sake.

Copyright, Monte E Wilson, 2009

The Viciousness of Envy

I am Envy...I cannot read and therefore wish all books burned. –Christopher Marlowe

Capitalism is brutally honest. By this I mean that, in the arena of achievement, you cannot hide your shortcomings and failures. You contribute or not. You produce or not. You cannot sell or trade hopes, fantasies or dreams: you have something of value to add in the market place, or not.

Consumers are interested in meeting their needs and obtaining their desires. The entrepreneur who does this with a quality product and at a cheaper price than his competitors is rewarded. I may be a great guy who people really like, but if I have nothing of value to offer in the marketplace, I am invisible to the consumer.

Today, however, people are acting like the aristocracy of old, demanding to be rewarded without having produced much, or demanding equal rewards for unequal production. These are the envious people who want what the successful person has earned and, if not, they don’t want anyone to have such rewards.

Envy is vicious. It is one thing to be jealous of the success of another. For example, I am jealous that you have a new BMW and I drive a ’92 Buick and sorely would love to have a Beemer myself. Envy, however, goes farther, believing that, “If I can’t have a BMW, you shouldn’t have one … if I can’t have one, no one should have one … Let us destroy all Beemers!”

The envious are hell-bent on obstructing and sabotaging the success of others. Hear the Cry of Envy:

Sir Envious: “I deserve to be wealthy but I am not. However, Big Business and its executives are wealthy. This wealth obviously came their way through greed and cheating, so it should be severely punished and the wealth of the executives confiscated, or at least extremely scaled down. “ (For the envious, success can never be attributed to exceptional performance: it is always a sign of cheating or some such nefarious practice.)

It doesn’t seem to occur to Sir Envious that a large percentage of consumers have chosen to support Big Business by purchasing its product. In other words, Sir, if you have a problem, it’s not with Big Business: it is with your neighbors. (Yes, yes, I do know that some Big Businesses are in bed with the government and have been given an unfair advantage in this regard—this is called Crony Capitalism. I’ll get to these Judas’ another day.)

To the envious person the damnable thing is that the market has placed a different value on his contribution than he believes is “fair.” “Someone must do something about this miscarriage of justice!” and by “someone” he is referring to sate and federal governments that must join him in declaring all out war on the producers of wealth. Furthermore, it is not “justice” he is after: it is retribution and destruction.

Copyright, Monte E Wilson, 20013

When Envy is All the Rage

Socialism is the philosophy of failure, the creed of ignorance, and the gospel of envy, its inherent virtue is the equal sharing of misery. Winston Churchill

What pushes the masses into the camp of socialism is, even more than the illusion that socialism will make them richer, the expectation that it will curb all those who are better than they themselves are. . . . There will no longer be any room left for innovators and reformers. Ludwig Von Mises

  

Envy, as I understand it, is the spiritual-psychological state where the individual hates the good for being good. In other words, the envious person evaluates an attribute, virtue, thing, or certain circumstances as “good” and “desirable,” and then, upon seeing this “good” in others, he hates it, because he does not possess it.  

The envious man does not envy people who possess virtues, material possessions or circumstances that he does not value. If you are a genius and I place very little value on intelligence, I am not going to envy your brains. However, if I am being eaten up with envy, as I do value intelligence, I am going to mock, castigate, and condemn you.

Most of us have witnessed the bashing of the good for being good. Take your intelligent coworker, for example. How often is she ridiculed for her brains? O, don’t get me wrong. The envious will never come out and say that they hate her intelligence. No, what they will say are things such as, “Isn’t she uppity today,” or “Don’t you just hate pretense? Can you say POSER?” And if she commits the unpardonable sin of knowing she is smart, the envious will label her as “arrogant.” “It’s cool she is smart ... she just shouldn’t flaunt it, the arrogant snot. One day, she’ll get what’s coming to her.”

Envious people just looooove seeing The Mighty fall. For them, there are few pleasures greater than seeing successful people experience public failure. They search the news outlets daily for such delicious spectacles. “I knew it. I could have predicted it. Not so high and mighty, after all.”

Facing Down Envy

Given that envy is all the rage today, we are often confronted with it and wonder how we should respond. When we read of successful business owners having their reputations destroyed by the media and politicians, we wonder if the better part of valor is to keep our heads down. “No matter what you do, don’t let ‘em see your success/ achievements/ wealth/ happiness or you’re dead! And, if they do see it, apologize for it!” While tact and wisdom are paramount in all circumstances, the problem with cowardice is that it only feeds the rage of the envious.

It is time for men and women who love what is good to say so. We should publicly praise achievement, success, and virtue whenever and wherever we see it. In the words of St Paul, we must give honor to whom honor is due.

All hail the producers, for they are creating this nation’s wealth!

Give praise and applause to the successful entrepreneur, for he or she is inventing better and cheaper products for all of us!

Full Throated HUR-rahs to every individual that is engaging their intellect, their talents and skills, and their steely determination toward being the best employer or employee that they can be!

Highest Regards to virtuous men and women who refuse to sacrifice their integrity to the media, the market place or to government officials!

May each of you live long and prosper!

(This was taken from an essay I wrote in 2009 and is the beginning of a series of posts over the next 2 weeks that will address Envy and the Elitists.)

Copyright, Monte E Wilson, 2013

Our Ever Present Past

The past is never dead. It's not even past. --William Faulkner, “Requiem for a Nun.”

The past is always with us. That past you don’t want to look at and deal with? It is haunting you and shaping you in unimaginable and unconscious ways. You look at your present life and say to yourself “it is what it is” without realizing that what is could have been different—a far more fulfilling life-experience—had you actually dug deeper and dealt with those past events which are still very present and alive. Still could go that way. You still could find deeper meaning and purpose in your life, if you would dig deeper. Most people never do, of course. They prefer closing the door on the painful past. They then redact history so that it justifies and explains their present choices and conditions, and it’s all “God’s Will” or “What is best for me,” or whatever lie helps them to sleep at night. The tragedy is that while the lies protect them from pain they do not protect them from the hollowing out of their souls.

I think that in our I-deserve-to-be-happy culture so many of us short-circuit the process of personal transformation. Rather than taking the time for going deeper, we prefer band-aids and quick fixes. Instead of asking ourselves how we may become more soul-full, we want to know the quickest route to feeling good. We even prefer a religion that sprinkles Fairy Dust on our lives, rather than a faith in the God who will accompany us in and through our pain, guiding us toward a meaningful life.

What I am suggesting here is that when inner conflicts arise we don’t run from them but, rather, embrace them… for more than a few moments! I am not recommending a self-absorption that cripples but a self-reflection that deepens. Don’t be satisfied with the first easy answers or “solutions.” Be still before the mystery of your being, asking yourself such questions as, “Who am I?” “Who and what do I love most?” “What is it I fear most?” “What is it here that I want more than anything else, and what is within my power to accomplish or achieve?”

In reflecting on past conflicts, “What happened, what went wrong (in your perspective)?” “What is it that ‘they’ think happened?” “ “How would I know if my perceptions were mistaken?” “Where could I have acted with more grace and wisdom?” “How is this experience shaping me: my behaviors and beliefs, my attitudes and mindset?” “Have I become more loving and wise or is my heart hardened or even bitter?” “How could I use this experience for my good?” “If there is something I am running away from, what would it be?” “What is it my soul is wanting here?” “Is there anywhere that I am defending my ego, rather than caring for my soul and the souls of others?”

Soul maturation is a lifelong process. Your inner conflicts –where your soul is screaming for attention – is where to begin. Don’t be frightened by the pain: it is telling you that your soul is still alive! Dig in, dig deeper, and then deeper still. Do this and the ever-present past will be used for the good of your soul.

Copyright, Monte E Wilson, 2013