Maturity: Seeing What I See, Knowing What I Know

 When we are able to see the internal more clearly, we become able to see the external more clearly. -- Nathaniel Branden

To help increase self-awareness in the people I coach, one of the tools I use is sentence-stems. I got the idea from psychologist and author Nathaniel Branden.

Complete this stem 10 times, as quickly as possible. Do not edit yourself, do not stop and think, do not judge: simply write down whatever comes to mind. For example:

"If I took more responsibility for the effect I had on others…” 

… then I would pay closer attention to my words and behaviors

… then I would feel guilty

… then I would have to go apologize to her

... then I would become more flexible in my communication

… then I would feel more powerful  

… then I would be frightened

… and etc.

After completing the exercise, we go over the stems and discover what was merely words that came to mind and what had erupted from the soul. This is a very effective means for getting in touch with the guy behind the mask.

I think one of the most profound stems Branden offers is this one: “If I see what I see and know what I know …” (The Art of Living Consciously) Think about that. If I stopped pretending to be ignorant or confused (two of the most common avoidance-mechanisms counselor hear everyday), what is it that would instantly pop up on my radar?

You: But I am not pretending!

Counselor: Ok. Let’s pretend that you are pretending: If you stopped, what might you see and know?

Take this into specific contexts.

If I see what I see and know what I know about my performance at work…

If I see what I see and know what I know about my finances …

If I see what I see and know what I know about my spouse, my marriage …

If I see what I see and know what I know about this child …

If I see what I see and know what I know about my health …

Professions of spirituality or faith: If I see what I see and know what I know about my professed faith or spirituality …

The sad fact is that all too often we choose to not see what we see and know what we know. We hope that the feigned blindness and ignorance will keep us safe but the abiding fear within keeps gnawing at our souls, and rightfully so: there are sound reasons to be fearful when deep down within, we see what we saw, we know what we knew, and we are still choosing to close our eyes and minds to reality.

The fear of conflict and the fear of taking responsibility are enemies of maturity. “But I didn’t know…I didn’t see…I didn’t understand you…I was confused…” If parents see through this smokescreen when their children offer up this blather, you can see through your own smokescreens as well, yes? Face down the fear, look at what you see and know about yourself and your world, and begin taking action.

Eric Hoffer said, The weakness of a soul is proportionate to the number of truths that must be kept from it. We can say the same about the immaturity of a soul. Or so I believe …

Copyright, Monte E Wilson, 2012

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