Our Need For Friendship

It is not good for man to be alone.  -God

Some years back, a man whom I had known for a long time was describing me to some new acquaintances of ours. It was all very positive and complimentary, but with one small problem: he wasn’t describing me. In fact, the more he waxed eloquent about the attributes, gifting, and talents, of Monte Wilson, the more invisible I felt. All I could do was sit there thinking, “You really don’t know me.”

A friend responds to me the same way I would if I were seeing and sensing myself through the mind of my friend. In other words, he acts as a mirror that reflects the image of how I see and experience myself. He sees what I know to be true of myself, both good and not so good, senses how I experience life.  In other words, true friends are psychologically visible to each other.

Of course, friends also help us discover the, heretofore, unseen aspects of our self. You’ve had this happen before, when a friend complimented or criticized you about something and you instantly intuited that, yes, “That’s me!”

Certainly, the mere fact that we are (relatively) visible to someone doesn’t mean that we are going to be good friends. However, there can be no true emotional connection and companionship where there is little or no visibility. How can you say," I love you," if you are blind to my “you”? Am I really going to believe someone loves me who doesn’t Get Me, get who I am (“warts and all”)?

In our quest for realizing our true self and what we were placed here on earth to do, we know by intuition and experience that such cannot be accomplished alone, that autonomy and isolation is the path to disintegration, not wholeness. It’s not just visibility that we desire. We also have an innate need to love and to be loved. While there are many reason why this is so, two jump out at me:

External validation and affirmation “You really are you!” However self-aware I am, however brutally honest with myself that I seek to be about the nature of my true self, I need feedback as to the veracity of my self-evaluation. Caveat: I am not referring to a craving for the approval of others, as if I were asking permission to be myself. I am referring to the acknowledgment that my evaluation of my self is, indeed, accurate.

Mutual support I know that I need the love, gifts, and wisdom, of others to make my journey in this life, just as others need mine. I instinctually know that it is neither healthy nor wise to be “alone.”  Think back to the stories many of us grew up reading: Arthur and the Knights of the Roundtable, Frodo and Samwise, The Three Musketeers, Harry with Ron and Hermione, Robin Hood and his Merry Men, King David and his Mighty Men, and Jesus and the Twelve. One of the things that draw us to such stories is that we too long for a Band of Brothers.

Being alone is not good for us. We know this. So, what are we actively doing to seek out or maintain the health of our present relationships? What are we doing about discovering who our Band of Brothers is: those men and women with whom we make ourselves visible and available, and to whom we offer our love and support, in their quests? What steps are we taking to develop meaningful relationships?

Copyright, Monte E Wilson, 2015

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The Isolation of Invisibility and Inauthenticity

“It is not good for man to be alone “… but my o my does he go out of his way to be alone.

In the case of our God-created need for visibility, understanding, and companionship, many choose to remain invisible. The thinking here is that loneliness is far better than revealing a self that we believe will probably be rejected. One of the ways we do this is by pretending to not be ourselves. Rather than increasingly becoming the person we were created to be, like actors on a stage, we take on roles and pseudo – personalities.

We are like Kirk Lazurus (played by Robert Downy, Jr), in Tropic Thunder:  I know who I am! I'm the dude playing the dude disguised as another dude!

My parents insisted I become this person and, so as to garner their approval, I became that person.

My mother or father are like this-and-that and, in reaction to their shortcomings, I build a persona around the intent to Not Be Him or Her. What role is being taken on here? “Not-him!” (Bad news: when I do this, I cannot help but become whom it is I am focusing on.)

No one will love me as I am, so I have to pretend to be the kind of person others will love. Or, if I believe no one will love me, period, I go out of my way to reject them before they reject me. In this case, I take on the persona of the lone-wolf, or the perpetually misunderstood victim who must connive and manipulate others to love me.

And the award for Best Actor goes to … the Lonely Guy!

We are the dudes playing the dudes disguised as other dudes. So, which dude are people relating to? And are any of these dudes actually the real “me”? No. Therefore, as I know people are relating to a role I am playing, I know without a doubt the relationship is not real. However many people may appear to be in my world, because I am not being real, my world is not real, therefore these friends are not real.

I say we know, but, with some, they have forgotten what they knew: that the self they are projecting, what people are seeing, is not real. They have been playing a role for so long that they are invisible to themselves!

Interestingly, one of the ways we can discover that we, in fact, are pretending to not be our true self, is feedback from the individuals in our lives whom we know are authentic. Real people spot role players fairly easily.

Role players are seldom comfortable in their own skin

Dudes playing dudes are constantly calibrating for approval where, if they sense they aren’t performing as expected, they morph into another role or character, not understanding that what an authentic person is looking for is … authenticity!

Actors are all buttoned up, perfectly put together, with just the right lines. Even the disheveled look that The Victim takes on is perrrrfectly cast: tears flow just so, and guilt-manipulating phrases are spoken with Academy award winning timing and pathos.

So. When you are ready for some reality, ask the authentic people in your life about how they experience you, as well as the “you” they see behind your mask. And, Yes: you DO know who these people are, for as soon as you read that sentence, he came to mind; she popped up on your radar. 

Copyright, Monte E Wilson, 2015

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Your Strengths Come With Weaknesses

I see it all the time. People go to war against what they perceive as weaknesses in their personality, only to discover that they have shot and mortally wounded their strengths. Rather than merely tempering their weaknesses or guarding against some of the more potentially dangerous consequences of these weaknesses, they wish to root out the buggers tooth and nail. They then wake up surprised that they have lost their edge.

The sensitive poet seeks to steel his emotions only to discover that he can no longer see, hear, and feel, the words that use to flow from of his soul.

The utilitarian businessman seeks to become more altruistic and loses half his earnings, has to lay off loyal employees, as well as battling insurrection with his stockholders.

The scientist that never accepts dogma without question after question decides that she must be a bit more submissive toward conventional thinking…and begins falling prey to old stale thinking that leads to paths of ever increasing ignorance.

As I understand human nature, God has given us all certain talents and gifts that go a long way toward shaping our personalities and informing how we as individuals will move through life. The poet was made in such a way as to make music with words, the businessman intuitively knows what will and will not produce a profit, and the scientist was born asking “What if…?” Each gifting will then express itself in unique ways within the personalities of these individuals.

Your unique combination of talents and gifts come with certain personality traits that compliment them. Not being endowed with all possible talents and gifts, there are some personality traits that you are not inclined toward, just as there are some tasks that do not appeal to you, and some things that you will never desire to master.

This is not to say there is never any need to stretch yourself, only that, for you, your capacity for exercising certain traits will not be the same as your friend’s who is gifted and, subsequently, shaped in others ways.

Copyright, Monte E Wilson, 2007

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The Road Less-Traveled

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else. - Woody Allen

For the longest time I was intrigued by and a bit jealous of those people that appeared to have their lives all mapped out. “In five years I will be here; in ten years, there; and, in fifteen years, at the top of the heap.” While their career path looked like a highway with signs that read, “In two miles you will be turning onto the Yellow Brick Rd.,” mine has been more like a snaking pathway through a dense forest enveloped in foggy mists that swallow you up and never spit you out.

“How in the heck did I get here?”

“Maybe I should have gone there.”

“This is not even a pathway … is it?“

“Whisky-Tango-Foxtrot!”

“I took the one less traveled by, and that made all the difference,” (Frost) sounds so romantic and adventurous when you are twenty, but after a decade or two you begin wondering if the reason your road is less traveled is because no sane person would ever freely choose to walk this way.

Fact is, however, even those people zooming down a well-lit highway are often wondering if they are wandering.

“Do I really want to go here?”

“What difference is it really going to make if I don’t go there?”

“This is a fairly wide road … maybe I am headed toward destruction?”

My guess is that when most people evaluate their journeys they wrestle with would’a-could’a-should’a, imposter syndrome, and other such second-guessing brought on by self-doubt. After all, not being gods, none of us are omniscient. This is why our journeys—the quests we engage in—are acts of faith, not certainty.

I have come to believe that, at the end of the day, what matters most is not so much what path we chose, but who we are becoming while we traverse our chosen paths.

Are we giving ourselves to what matters most? (And what, he asks, “Matters most”? Why faith, hope and love, of course!)

Are we constantly educating ourselves in great ideas and values?

Are we caring for our bodies and souls?

Are we seeking after the God who is Love, Light and Life?

So, whether you are zooming down an interstate or crawling along a path through underbrush, don’t become so focused on the destinations for which you aspire that you lose sight of the one that is taking the journey… for what does it profit a man or woman who arrives at the Yellow Brick Rd with a shriveled up soul?

Copyright, Monte E Wilson, 2009

Ridiculing the Ridiculous: Pros and Cons

He looked at foreign affairs through the wrong end of a municipal drainpipe
-Sir Winston Churchill on Neville Chamberlain

Ridiculing our political representatives has a long and illustrious history, both here in the US and across the pond with our cousins in the UK. A well-placed, well-timed, and well-stated put-down can provide days of entertainment, where the Ridiculer can watch the Ridiculed and his supporters go apoplectic, and those on the sidelines sees the naked Republican or Democrat “Emperor” melting down and not looking so royal, any longer. There’s nothing like laughter to bring a self-styled demigod back down to earth. “Somebody pass out popcorn!”

Consider Winston Churchill’s description of Ramsay MacDonald:

“I remember when I was a child, being taken to the celebrated Barnum’s Circus, which contained an exhibition of freaks and monstrosities, but the exhibit on the programme which I most desired to see was the one described as “The Boneless Wonder”. My parents judged that the spectacle would be too demoralizing and revolting for my youthful eye and I have waited fifty years, to see the Boneless Wonder sitting on the Treasury Bench.”

This is tongue-fu at its highest art form. Rather than apologetically (re: faux humility) questioning Ramsey’s guiding principles or lack thereof, or merely calling him an invertebrate, Churchill’s use of Barnum’s “Boneless Wonder” creates a picture in the minds of his listeners of a spineless Ramsay that elicits mirth and the questioning of his moral fiber. Well played, WC.

Sure, there are some who think our national debate regarding, say, the merits of a free market v those of socialism, or the Constitutional parameters of the Federal government, should be engaged along the lines of a Rodney King Can’t We Just All Get Along conversation. Of course, that may be all fine and good when we are discussing zoning restrictions with our next door neighbors, but not so effective with ideological opponents who others believe are utterly committed to bankrupting the US and its citizens, as well as restricting their unalienable rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

If an individual believes someone has just smeared feces on what she holds as sacred, she is going to respond accordingly. Think about it: Who in her right mind is going to allow someone to walk into her house, verbally abuse her child, and expect her to say, “Come let us sip wine together and speak of butterflies and rainbows”? Thus …

The ridiculous deserves ridicule.

The fox in the hen house deserves (metaphorically!) buckshot in his ass.

A fool is to be treated according to his folly, saith Über Wise King Solomon.

However –

Here’s the rub for those who overuse “ridiculing the ridiculous.”

A lack of variety in communicating your principles will lead to monotony. In other words, you are boooooooring. Same ol’ same ol’, nothing to hear, here: move along. It’s like having a symphony at your disposal and only writing music for a single trumpet…screeching out the same note … over and over again.

After a while, if all people hear coming out of your mouth or laptop is ridicule—however warranted—you are placed in the category of Sally One Note – and that note is “mean.” Doesn’t matter if you think this is just, it simply is a reality, and one you must avoid if you are to be taken seriously. Of course being taken seriously also requires having historical, legal, principled, and logical arguments at your disposal, and not just invective.

Repeatedly calling your ideological opponents the equivalent of “pooh-pooh head” lacks imagination. At the very least go study Churchill or, changing venues, St Paul arguing with Judaizers who were saying Gentiles could not be “saved” unless they were circumcised: “Hey guys, if that’s true, if you really wanna be ‘holy,’ then go castrate yourselves.” Well played, St Paul

Copyright, Monte E Wilson, 2015  

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Your Words Matter

Words matter What you say, how you say it, when you say it, and where you say it always matters.  Every time you speak and each time you choose to remain silent (and silence is communicating), you are creating realities, altering mindsets and attitudes, and propelling yourself and others toward specific outcomes.

Words change things The words you choose to describe and define your present circumstances are moving those circumstances in a certain direction.  Are your words creating more and more possibilities or are they restricting your ability to change and enhance your circumstances?

Words change you Listen to your inner unspoken dialogue with yourself.  Are you reminding yourself of who you intend to become, or is your self-talk creating an individual altogether different from whom you wish to become?  Are you thinking word-thoughts of faith, hope, and love toward others or word-thoughts of disbelief, cynicism and hatred?  Think of this inner dialogue as an incantation by which you are casting a spell over your soul.  Will it help create the self you intend to become, or is it twisting you into someone else?

Words change them You can choose to speak justly and truly or shade and shape your words to serve only your own hidden agenda.  You can offer words of wisdom and hope, or you can speak words that debilitate and denigrate.  Ultimately, your words flow from your beliefs about yourself and others.  Do you believe the best or the worst?  As you are choosing your words, remember this: they are creating your legend and your legacy.

Words evoke The words you choose to speak evoke feelings and ideas in your listeners.  What do you intend for them to feel?  In other words, what psychological states are conducive to your achieving your outcomes?  What word choices will serve you here?  What words will help evoke the ideas that will serve both you and your audience’s goals for this particular engagement?

Words provoke You can speak words that provoke your audience to love and good deeds, or you can choose words that provoke them to frustration and feelings of hopelessness.  Of course, you can also choose words that put them to sleep, but I do not recommend this as a useful tact for guiding your audience toward your intended outcomes!

Words have a melody Listen to the conversations taking place around you today.  Each person’s words have a peculiar melody.  Some melodies are monotone, others utilize a few notes, and others create melodies and harmonies that intrigue, fascinate and please their listeners.  What melody accompanies your words, and is it supporting the intention of your communication?

Words expose and reveal Your words expose and reveal your heart and mind.  Sooner or later, your words will be congruent with what you truly feel and think.  Are your words congruent with your professed vision and Code, or do they reveal incongruence?  If your words reveal an incongruity, you have two choices: change your vision and Code, or change your heart and mind.

Words are the stuff dreams are made of Your words and dreams have a symbiotic relationship: they feed off of each other.  Are your words filling your dreams with more content and clarity, infusing them with increased power, or do your words weaken your faith and hope?  Do you speak as a dream-weaver, or do your words elicit nightmares?  Do your words move your world closer to the dream of truth and goodness, liberty and justice, love and compassion … or do they move us in the opposite direction?

Excerpt from my book, Legendary Leadership

Copyright, Monte E Wilson, 2011

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Listen Up!

Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.

--Stephen Covey

In communicating with others, few things are more maddening than mind readers. Before hearing a word, these people have already decided that they completely understand the details of your story, the cut of your jib, the landscape of your beliefs, and the whereabouts of your feelings. Not actually being an all-knowing deity, such arrogance quashes all genuine communication. Effective communicators, on the other hand, are keen listeners with unending curiosity, men and women who seek to understand so as to be understood.

In my trainings for effective communication and persuasion, I often begin with a game I took from a Meisner acting class. After groups of have been formed in circles or 6 or more people, I explain that they are going to tell a story, one word at a time, one person after another. The rules are 1) you cannot use a word the person next to you just used; and 2) you must speak your word within a few seconds. If either of these rules is broken, the story must begin again. “The goal of this game is for your group to tell a story that sounds as if one person is speaking.”

And hilarity ensues: some guys draw a blank when it is their turn and some repeat the previous word. During the first debrief I always ask, “Did any of you draw a blank because you choose a word before it was your turn and, when it became your turn to speak, the word didn’t fit?” Over half the people will raise their hands. When we are already know what we are going to say, we are not truly listening, not in the flow of the story, not in the moment.

After a few more attempts, the stories always begin to flow—but never in the direction the people assumed the story would go. My favorite one was where A. Boy. Was. Given. Money. By. His. Mother. To. Go. To. The. Store. And. Buy. Milk. The boy ended up buying some weed, was caught by a detective, but was granted immunity because he helped bring down a drug kingpin. You never know where the story is going to go! And herein lies the lesson: You. Don’t. Know. You. Can’t. Know. This is why listening is so critical.

When a mind reader assumes “I already know what you are going to say and already know what I’m going to say,” all we are going to “share” are simultaneous monologues. If, however, we want to actually communicate with others, then we will throw away our prepared speeches, put aside our judgments for a few moments, and open up our minds and hearts to those with whom we are communicating. Believe me: you will be amazed by the evolution of the stories and, quite often, the evolution of the relationship.

Copyright, Monte E Wilson, 2015

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