Reshaping Reality To Fit My Beliefs

When I was studying abnormal psyche back in the day, the professor brought our attention to a case study of a man who believed he was a corpse. One day a doctor asked him if corpses bled. The Walking Dead guy said, “Of course not!”

Dr: So if I prick your finger with this needle, as a corpse, you will not bleed?

Walking Dead Guy: Correct.

The doctor then pricked the man’s finger and it instantly began bleeding.

Walking Dead Guy: I’ll be … I guess corpses do bleed!

To some degree or another, we are all like this Walking Dead Guy, in so far as we choose to reshape facts and reality to fit our belief-systems, rather than the other way around. It’s understandable, of course, because, depending on how deeply held the beliefs, our egos are tied to them. I am my beliefs, ergo, if I am wrong about them, then there is something “wrong” with me. With this mindset, being wrong is then a mortifying and psychologically shattering experience. This is why people so often militantly resist those whose belief systems are contrary to their own. It has nothing to do with facts, logic, or the truth, only the guarding of ego.

This is why it is often a waste of oxygen to argue with people. Unless you get down to core beliefs and presuppositions, even if you “win the argument” regarding the issue at hand, the “convert” will soon return to thinking and believing as he did before your discussion. Core beliefs win out. Always.

Rather than thinking of others, however, make this personal and ask yourself these three questions:

“What does being wrong mean to me?” (How do you experience being wrong?)

“What are ten great things that can come from discovering I am wrong about something or someone?”

“How would I know if I am wrong?”

Good hunting.

Copyright, Monte E Wilson, 2015

When The Universe Messes With Us

Whose work is it but your own to open your eyes? But indeed the business of the universe is to make such a fool out of you that you will know yourself for one, and begin to be wise. --George MacDonald

One day, back when I was in High School, I was helping my girlfriend repair something at her house. After mucking around a while, I told her that I needed some masculine tape.

Her: Excuse me?
Me: Masculine tape. I. Need. Masculine. Tape.

Her: (Laughing so uncontrollably that she could barely speak) Do you mean masking tape?

What did I do? I went home and blamed my parents.

By the time we are around 30, we have had quite a number of such humbling revelations; we discovered we were wrong on some small and not so small issues and beliefs, and, at least once, experienced the jaw dropping realization that the “God ordained” Yellow Brick Road we were skipping down did not take us to Oz but ended in a cul de sac filled with wild beasts that wanted to eat us. Subsequently, many of us learned to be a bit humbler in our assertions and, thereby, began exhibiting some wisdom. Others of us, however, refuse to acknowledge and own our errors and, instead, act as if nothing we do or say ever is wrong or, while we adjust our beliefs and behaviors, pretend that, “Masking tape: that’s what I said. You just misunderstood me.”  For the universe, this is the equivalent of placing a bull’s eye on your back.

Repeat after me:

I don’t know what I do not know … until life or someone else shows me. It is masking tape, bozo! The appropriate response here is, “Thank you, deary,” not, “How dare you!”

I only see what I am looking for. (Conformation bias) So. How much time do we spend searching for “evidence to the contrary” before we began sounding like Moses coming down from the mountain with the two tablets?

We do not see things as they are, we see them as we are. (Anais Nin) The beginning of accepting our human condition is admitting that we do not possess God-like objectivity and, therefore, only possess glimmers of reality. At best.  My perceptions are always biased, always colored, and always skewed, to some degree. There is, therefore, always room for more Truth and humility.

It’s not just “okay” to discover I was wrong about something. It is a blessing. Would you rather still be wrong? This is the awesome thing about true friends: they have no problem needling us, helping us to see and laugh at our errors, and keeping us humble. This is also where our enemies are quite useful. They take incredible delight in searching for and pointing out our errors in judgment, our missteps, and mishaps. Thank you, God, for the light they cast on our lives, even if their motives are base.

What? Do you think that you can ever attain God-like knowledge about anything?  Do you think that all of your theological/philosophical/political/ethical ducks are in a row with no need for getting rid of the Daffy Ducks that don’t belong? Man, I’ve had to shoot so many ducks it’s a wonder PETA isn’t busting down my doors.

St Augustine said, “I err, therefore I am.” Being wrong is part of being human. This being our reality, why is it, then, that when our errors are pointed out we spend so much energy denying, covering over, or defending and justifying our selves, as if being wrong wasn’t The Norm for us all? What we do not see is that in playing these games, in refusing to embrace our humanity here, we restrict our ability to continue learning and increasing in understanding. How foolish is this? No wonder the universe keeps messing with us.

Copyright, Monte E Wilson, 2015

Faux Forgiveness, Faux Relationships

Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently.  –St Paul

Gently…

Not pedantically nor Pharisaically

Not accusingly or condemningly

Not condescendingly nor contemptuously

But with the gentleness of a loving spirit, we are to go to the individual and do our all to see him reconciled and restored.  

Of course, when the “sin” is against me, I encounter a number of challenges.

Do I, A, give him the cold shoulder and cast him out of my universe; or, B, Do I go and give him both barrels of my anger and hurt? Hmmmm. That would be C: Neither.

Sure. There are cases where I am left with no alternative other than keeping the offending person at a great distance. This step, however, doesn’t come until well after I have done my best to see the individual restored and for us to be reconciled. Rejecting the offender without any opportunity for the giving and receiving of forgiveness makes me an offender. But, in the heat of the hurt, it feels so reasonable and righteous to skip over seeking to sort things out doesn’t it.

Why is it that we so easily throw people and relationships away?

Sometimes it is a case where we are fearful of seeking reconciliation because to do so leaves us vulnerable to more pain. So, we silently hold on to our offenses with their accompanying accusations and condemnations, ready to hurl them in the offender’s face, if he gets too close. Or we place him in the category of Someone I Use to Know, bury the pain of the offense, and walk away, as if that individual never existed. And in doing such things, we now are breaking the laws of love, which says we are to drop everything and go seek restoration. Yes, love does make us vulnerable but it is only with such vulnerability that touching the soul of another and being reconciled is possible.

Another challenge is holding on to our rights. “I have a right to my boundaries.” “I have a right to justice being served.” The rub here is that, if all he encounters is my Rights (aka righteous indignation), the possibility for reconciliation dwindles to almost nothing. But if he primarily meets my love, my commitment to his welfare, my gentleness, the possibilities for restoration increases, exponentially.

Some people choose to circumvent these and other challenges by granting a faux forgiveness. There is no working through the substance of the offense, no seeking to get at the root of the conflict, no bearing of the souls: only a kind of Get Out of Jail Free card that changes nothing and no one, that brings no reconciliation, healing or restoration. How could it be otherwise when the light of truth was never turned on?

Faux forgiveness creates faux relationships. Not exactly what St John had in mind when he wrote, “Love one another,” and, “Walk in the light (with one another) as He is in the light.”

When an individual sins, his repentance must be to the depths of the offense. Light must shine all the way down into the depths of the darkness. Asking for or giving forgiveness for knifing someone in the back as if it were merely a matter of stepping on his toes won’t cut it. In this case, the offended and the offender then walk away knowing nothing changed. And they will continue relating accordingly. Which is to say, not really.  

I think the key to getting all this right, to fully obeying the laws of love in such situations, is seeing that forgiveness is not the goal: restoration is. Once we set our sights on this, we will not be tempted to offer or receive a cheap imitation of forgiveness, because such will never achieve genuine restoration.

Copyright, Monte E Wilson, 2015

When Spiritual Offerings Are Contemptuous

Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift.

--Jesus

Therefore, if in the days of Jesus, the Jew was to drop the lamb that was about to be sacrificed on an altar and, first, go deal with an offended brother, how much more so is a Christian to walk away even from the Lord’s Supper to do the same?

Therefore, if we know an individual has something against us and we still go ahead and make our offering to God, without any attempt to be reconciled, our offering will be held in divine contempt.

Therefore, “But I didn’t do anything wrong,” is a non-starter. How can you know for sure, if you don’t have a conversation about his offense with you? Even the most mature can be deceived. If you are correct, however, you will have an opportunity to help your brother grow in wisdom and maturity  … that is, as long as you don’t approach the conversation in a spirit of self-righteousness.

Therefore, our spiritual exercises and offerings are never to be used as a kind of religious excuse for not dealing with an offended brother or sister, a la, “I can’t deal with that right now, I am busy serving Jesus.”

Therefore, we cannot use our spiritual offerings as brownie points to be weighed against broken relationships, whereby, if we get enough points, God will overlook our failures to maintain the laws of love toward others.  

Therefore, if we are to drop everything and go seek reconciliation with someone who has something against us, we are also to do the same if we have an offense with a brother or sister. Sitting around haughtily waiting for the offender to come to us demonstrates a severe lack of love for and commitment to the *alleged offender’s welfare.

Therefore,

If you love me, keep my commandments.

-- Jesus

* “Alleged.” Did I break the laws of love toward you or not? Simply because you are offended, does not make me “wrong.” Your feelings are not God’s objective standards for Right Behavior. Maybe you are overly sensitive or overreacted or simply misunderstood. If this is the case, your hurt still matters but it is on a different plane than my having “sinned” against you.

Copyright, Monte E Wilson, 2015

The Boomerang Effect

For in the way you judge, you will be judged; and by your standard of measure, it will be measured to you.  --Jesus

Bearing grudges is a lot easier than seeking to attain or maintain a healthy relationship. Holding on to a grudge allows me to excommunicate the offending individual from my presence—Until he pays the uttermost farthing!--thus keeping me far away from all the messiness and turmoil that comes with seeking to keep the laws of love toward some bozo. So, not only am I free from all of his aggravating and painful behavior, but I get to feel morally superior to him, as well. How cool is this?

On second thought, however, we do need to consider the boomerang effect.

Me to Bozo: I cast thee away from the sun of my righteousness!

God: What’d he do?

Me: O. Hey Lord. Good to see you. He broke my rules.

God: Your rules?

Me: Uh … right. He broke Your laws of love and must pay the consequences so he can learn not to do this anymore. Keepin’ it real, Lord.

God: So that’s how you want to play?

Me: Excuse me?

God: No, I don’t think I will. It’s that whole “in the way you judge others you shall be judged” and “do unto others” deal.

Me: Wait just a minute. This is different, isn’t it? God? God? Where’d You go?

Copyright, Monte E Wilson, 2015

Adopt An Old Guy

A few weeks ago an old acquaintance shot me an email on my birthday, asking me, now that I’m “certifiably old,” what wisdom could I impart to him who is “still so very young.” The first thing that popped into my head was to write back, “I’m only 62. I’ll let you know…when I am actually old.”  The second thought was the memory of my father’s last words, as he lie dying: “Fear God, keep His Commandments, and take care of your mother.” The third thought was, “Wow, when dad was younger his list would have been a lot longer!” And that’s the thing about growing older: it changes your perspective on what really matters.

Consider these differences in perspective and the value of making such distinctions in our day-to-day lives:

The Urgency of The Immediate v What is Important

The skirmish in front of you is usually a distraction from the front lines of the battle for the soul: yours and theirs. Be clear about your priorities: it makes it easier to say no to all those urgent requests that keep you from what and whom you need to be giving yourself.

The Temporal v The Eternal / Things v Values

Spend time contemplating the answers to this question: What is of eternal value? Then ask yourself where you are investing most of your resources.

What Works v What is Virtuous

Making a stand for what is True, Good, Just, Beautiful, and etc., is well and good but only if you do so virtuously. Do you want to Be Right or to Be Love? How you go about making your stands and achieving your goals is as important as the goal itself: probably more so.

Control v Letting Go / Fear v Faith

Newsflash: The only thing you can control is yourself; other than this, control is an illusion and is fear-based. “Let go and let God…” is not some trite saying but the incarnation of wisdom and faith. In every arena where you are seeking to control circumstances and others so as to achieve your outcomes at whatever the cost, you are manifesting a lack of faith and wisdom. Deal with it before it deals with you.

Side Bar: One of the blessings of and life-lessons from parenting 5 children, is that, early on, you are outnumbered and outgunned, so you learn the futility of fighting for control and, rather, to trust God with the greatest treasures of your heart.

Judging Others v Minding Your Own Business

The amount of time and energy some people waste on seeking to sort out the lives of others is astounding. Did he ask for your feedback? Did she come and beg you for your counsel? Did they bring their appeals to you, seeking for your wisdom? No? Then heed the words of St Paul: “We hear that some among you are idle and disruptive. They are not busy; they are busybodies.” If you have time to run around poking your nose into the lives of others, then you have time to get a second job or to work on sorting out your own life, both of which would be far more productive for you.

Eternal Youth v Growing in Grace

Compare the amount of time you spend on your physical well-being and adornment to what is spent on the means for growing in grace. No. I’m serious.  Make a list. Check it twice. So much of what we do for our bodies today falls more within the category of seeking eternal youth (vanity) than it does an exercise in stewardship.

Here’s the choice before you: You can spend the next 30 or 40 years painfully learning the importance of making such distinctions or you can adopt an Old Guy or Gal and do your all to drain them of every ounce of wisdom they possess. You don’t have to wait to be ancient before you have the wisdom of an ancient one: all you need to do is begin following their wisdom. Trust me: it will save you from so much heartache and wasted time.

Copyright, Monte E Wilson, 2015

Self-Fulfillment v Self-Donation

Finding your reason for being, your purpose in life is critical. “Who am I and why am I here?” are necessary questions for any individual who aspires to become a fully functioning mature human. For millennium after millennium, these questions have been asked and answers sought for within the context of man’s relationship to his Creator. Given that God created me, He is the One who defines me, the One in, by, and through whom, I find true meaning and purpose, and my highest good. Today, however, answers to these questions are often searched for within the realm of man’s relationship to himself. I want answers because I want to be true to myself and realize my full potential so that … Why? What for? Well, because I want to experience true self-fulfillment. Tragically, the answers we find within this realm will diminish and degrade our souls.

When my quest for meaning and purpose is reduced to self-fulfillment, then all things—all values, all experiences, all people, and all choices—are interpreted solely within the realm of the Kingdom of Self. “Does seeking after x help me attain or maintain self-fulfillment?” “Does y help me to feel better about myself or not?” “Will doing z make me happy?”

In the Kingdom of Self, values such as Truth, Goodness, and Beauty, are all approached from the standpoint of my needs, desires, and demands, rather than as reflections of God’s being that place demands upon my being. Here, in this realm, God and values must be de-formed so as to comfortably fit within my present predilections and personality. We can hear this self-orientation in the individual whom has been confronted with the demands of, say, the value of Goodness or Love, and says, “That is just not who or how I am.”

Even in our quests for personal transformation, we all too often approach and engage values and people solely as means for our ends: for helping us to get where we want to go, to transform us into the persons we intend to become. However, transformation is only achieved indirectly: it is a by-product of my relentless pursuit of honoring values that lie outside of and above me as objective realities.

Consider the differences between seeking to honor and worship God solely because His being places a demand upon my being to do so, and, in contradistinction, honoring and worshiping God so that I may be transformed. The first pursuit is all about placing appropriate honor where it is due, regardless of costs and benefits, whereas the latter approaches God as a means to my ends. The former will certainly broaden and deepen my soul but only as a by-product of my pursuit; the latter approaches God and all values primarily for self and, so, impoverishes my soul.

Self-fulfillment, transformation, and finding our place and calling in the world occur indirectly, as a result of our primarily seeking to know and honor God and those values that are reflections of His being, with all of our beings. Life, then, isn’t about self-fulfillment but of self-abandonment and self-donation.

Copyright, Monte E Wilson, 2014